Disclaimer: This blog entry is for humorous and educational purposes only. Adhere to the following advice at your own risk.
Ah, air signs. So breezy. So much fun. So deceptively low maintenance. Who would want to break up with one? If the answer to that question is you, then you’re in luck. Here’s an easy-breezy guide to how to get out of your relationship with a gregarious Gemini, likeable Libra or abstract Aquarius.
The Breakup Strategy
Geminis are probably the most difficult of the three air signs to break up with because you are in a relationship with (at least) two people who happen to have the same face. Yes, the Twins are a handful. You probably fell in love with the charming twin. The Charmer is the smooth talker that always manages to say the right thing at the right time. You’ve tried to break up with Gemini before, but The Charmer kept you coming back for more. The other twin makes you remember why you wanted to end the relationship in the first place. Let’s call this one The Actor. The Actor will try on different moods to provoke a certain response out of his audience (in this case, you). Why? Purely for entertainment purposes. The difficulty in breaking up with Gemini comes in if you’re not prepared to handle both of the Twins at the same time (either one can appear and disappear at will). Don’t try to break up with The Charmer by having a two-way conversation. This twin will just talk you out of your decision. Send a quick “we’re over” text message or email. The Charmer will appreciate the brevity and try to contact you. Don’t pick up the phone, answer the door or respond to any written communications. After two weeks, The Charmer will have moved on to someone or something else. Leaving The Actor is harder because this twin has a seemingly endless amount of scripts to choose from. This one will enjoy the drama of the breakup and milk it for all it’s worth. When you’re emotional, he acts like he couldn’t care less. When you’re distant, he’s passionate. And so on…The Actor has more stamina than The Charmer. Expect to hear back from him for a long time after the official breakup.
Breaking up with Libra is relatively easy. Make the breakup as pleasant as possible. This sign does not handle anger well at all, and can be very unpredictable when agitated. For example, Libra could snap and start smashing plates, only to act as if nothing out of the ordinary happened 10 seconds later. In other words, don’t get Libra upset. The best way to keep Libra in a pleasant mood is to create a beautiful atmosphere for the breakup. Take Libra to his or her favorite restaurant (public places are great for keeping Libra’s anger in check because they don’t like making scenes). Keep the enjoyable conversation flowing (helps set up the sneak attack later). Casually mention your solo future plans. Libra will notice the lack of “we” in your plans and ask you about it. Use this as your opener to discuss why you think it’s best for both of you to explore other opportunities for happiness (don’t worry, Libra understands euphemisms). Resist suggestions to go to couples counseling. Don’t answer the “What can I do to make things better?” question Libra is surely to ask. Whatever you do, don’t blame Libra. This will make Libra defensive and start a passive-aggressive, never-ending (although reasonable) debate that you have no chance in hell of winning (unless you’re a Gemini). Remember to tell Libra that you have no hard feelings and would like to remain friends (regardless of whether this is true or not). If you don’t care to take this long route down Breakup Blvd., then simply forget your manners at all times and/or introduce Libra to her dream date. She’ll thank you in the future by sending you an invitation to their wedding.
[ad]There are two types of Aquarians. The optimal breakup strategy differs according to which Aquarian you’re trying to dump. There’s the Aquarian ruled by Saturn (keywords: structure, convention) that is now used to being in a relationship and will resist change. Then there’s the more widely known version of Aquarius ruled by Uranus (keywords: free-thinking, unconventional) that already has one foot out the door. Obviously, the latter doesn’t require much convincing to accept his walking papers. Tell him it’s been fun, but you’ve outgrown the relationship. However, the Saturn-ruled Aquarius…now that’s another story. She will hate that she’s emotionally dependent on you, but will still try to hold onto the relationship. Be prepared to watch the inner battle Aquarius wages with himself over this contradiction. Contrary to popular belief, Aquarians don’t dislike being in relationships. They dislike being in confining relationships. Paradoxically, if you allowed them their freedom to come and go as they please, they will not give up the relationship without a fight. After all, Aquarius is a fixed sign and can be very stubborn. The easiest way to get an Aquarius to let go is to start restricting freedoms (think prison guard), become a professional nagger (think PMS-ing Mommy), and take every opportunity to treat others as if they’re beneath you (think royalty). Remember to maintain a holier than thou attitude while fighting to keep the status quo of inequality for all, and you won’t have to worry about spending your Saturdays participating in another peace protest or recycle program against your will ever again.
Geminis can be the exes from heaven or hell. It really depends on what you liked most about them. If you enjoyed their stimulating company and all the funny jokes they cracked, you’ll have a friend for life. If you expected to have a white, picket-fence house, 2.5 kids, and a dog named Skippy with your Gemini, then the relationship probably left a bitter aftertaste in both of your mouths. Regardless of whether things ended on good or bad terms, prepare to be bad-mouthed whenever someone asks Gemini why things didn’t work out between you two. File for full custody of the children.
You’re probably still a bit in love with your Libra ex. That’s OK. It happens to the best of us. Why does this happen? Well, Libra probably spent most of the time being (or trying to be) your ideal mate, so it’s hard to let go of that fantasy. And it doesn’t help matters that she still flirts with you as if it’s your first date. Libra will probably work out a fair custody agreement re: the children. Don’t expect to be the favorite parent.
If you’re a fire or air sign, you’re still good friends with your Aquarius ex – meaning you speak to him every several months or so to play catch up. If you’re a water or earth sign, you’re wondering why you feel as if you were temporarily abducted by aliens. Aquarius will want to be on good terms
with you, but you won’t understand why.
How did your relationship with a Gemini, Libra or Aquarius end? Did the end of your relationship with an air sign leave you windswept or walking on clouds?
About the Author
Jara Dan-Fodio has been gazing at the sky and observing people all of her life. After reading her first astrology book that went beyond the 12 zodiac signs 15 years ago, the patterns she noticed began to make sense. Although she dabbles in vocational, predictive and electional astrology upon request, her favorites are depth astrology and synastry. She’s an eternal student of life and astrology is just one of her many teachers. You can find more of this 8th houser’s astro-notes at Random Astrology or Twitter.