Congratulations! You’ve had the good luck and excellent taste in websites needed to find this — far and away the most useful weekly horoscope ever written! All you need to do is print off several copies of this, fill in the blanks, and the next week will go far more smoothly for you than it would have otherwise. You’re welcome.
To whom it may concern:
I am the personal astrologer for (your name here). This note grants my permission for (your name here) to not talk to you or anyone else for the entire week of March 11th to 17th, 2019.
I am certain you will find a way to work around this, because last week’s Mars sextile Neptune is still largely in effect and (all else being equal), that can be a pretty accommodating influence. However, (your name here) should not be made to speak, take any phone calls, send any emails, or communicate in any form other than perhaps simple grunts and gestures.
There are a number of reasons for this. First of all, Mercury is retrograde in Pisces right now. As you may know, Mercury retrograde has a tendency to make communications, contracts, and short trips go haywire. This one is particularly difficult, because Pisces is not thought of as a particularly efficient place for Mercury to be.
Although communication cannot be entirely avoided during Mercury retrograde, this week is going to be particularly difficult. There are several problematic aspects to Mercury piling up towards the end of the week that are going to make this a difficult one.
Sun conjunct Mercury (which isn’t exactly until Thursday) has a tendency to make people think they are saying or doing something brilliant, but in fact the result is often opposite or shoddy. Sun square Jupiter (the day before that) and Mercury square Jupiter (also exact on Friday) are likely to combine to give the effect of both inflating egos to uncomfortable levels while making clear and effective communication even more difficult.
This situation does not improve at all this weekend, when Mercury sextile Pluto is exact. That aspect can make for bold and insightful words and observations, but under these retrograde circumstances it’s more like a recipe for foot in mouth disease. This is especially true when you consider that next Monday Mercury will also be sextile Mars.
Okay, come to think of it, you should probably give (your name here) two weeks off from providing any important communications. And really, with the ongoing influence of Jupiter square Neptune, you and everyone else in your organization/circle of friends/family/relationship (choose whichever one applies in this case) should probably not be talking to anyone else during this time either. You and (your name here) have already caused enough trouble for each other already, haven’t you?
Big Shot Astrologer