I love this guy to bits and we have the BEST sex, We have been together for 7 months and have lived together for the last 2 months, He wants to marry me next year – so do I but I have my doubts about all the bickering. We have a major disagreement at least once a week. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m glad to hear the sex is great — I’d be worried if it weren’t so early in the relationship. But your concern is the arguments. When exploring communication issues, I look at Mercury, the messenger. Your respective talk-planets make a flowing 60-degree angle called a sextile, so the synastry itself does not explain the bickering. I shall explore how each of you think and get your point across.
Your communication patterns [view chart]
Your Mercury is in Pisces, the sign that does not know how to walk a straight line (even when sober). You are more likely to speak in metaphor, to communicate via images and music and poetry. It can be difficult for Mercury in Pisces to speak directly, and the listener can often feel confused about what they actually heard you say. Your gift is the ability to communicate from a deep well of compassion, and to put spiritual insights into language.
However, your Mercury does not work in isolation — it makes angular relationships to many other planets. They modify its expression. For starters, your Mercury is right next to (conjunct) Mars, the planet of anger and assertion. Mercury-Mars aspects often result in argumentativeness, a fondness for debate, for cutting words and language that stings. However, the Pisces influence makes these planets do their dirty work indirectly — via passive aggression or martyrdom. You may end up just turning your anger in against yourself, and communicating your poor mes.
In addition, underground emotions try to find a way out of your mouth: your Mercury is in the Eighth House of Underground Psychological Garbage, and it is also opposite Pluto, planet of intensity and power struggles. You’ve got the capacity for tremendous rage (Mars opposite Pluto) and with Mercury in a water sign and in a “water” house (the Eighth is associated with Scorpio), you can easily tap into strong, dark emotions and find a way to convey them to others.
You also have Jupiter in Aquarius opposite Uranus, and this configuration is close to your Mercury. These planets give you a larger perspective on life, providing some detachment from strong emotions so you can focus on more collective, impersonal concerns. But it can also make you explosive and self-righteous if you’re not careful.
His communication patterns [view chart]
Your guy has Mercury in earthy Taurus. This placement suggests he has a mind that works slow and methodically, more interested in what’s tangible than the Piscean flights of fantasy indicated by your Mercury. His communication planet makes supportive 120-degree angles (called trines) to steady Saturn in Capricorn and powerful Pluto in Virgo. Hence, his Mercury is part of a Grand Earth Trine. Saturn’s influence makes him measure his words carefully and only say what needs to be said, whereas Pluto adds a level of depth that enables him to think with an investigative mind. (His Pluto is pronounced because it is conjunct his Ascendant, making him appear Scorpionic, despite having Virgo Rising.)
The most stressful aspect to his Mercury is an opposition from Neptune (thus making a kite formation.) This aspect is a bit like Mercury in Pisces, but more difficult to integrate. People often project one of the planets in an opposition onto a partner (because the opposition is the aspect of relationships, and it is also a challenge to “own” both planets when they are working at cross-purposes to each other). As you are a Pisces, it might make sense that he would “hang” his Neptune onto your “hook,” and possibly feel deceived, confused or inspired by you. Interestingly enough (as I mentioned above) you have Mercury opposite Pluto, and you may project Pluto onto him, which should be easy because Pluto is extremely powerful in his chart.
How your communication styles interact
I’d venture to say that you come at him with a combination of Pisces-Scorpio energy, communicating with deep feeling and a propensity towards argument (thanks to Mars). He is a lot more level-headed and communicates from a pragmatic perspective. Yet you feel overpowered by him and he feels that you put him off-center.
You may give him particular authority because his Saturn (the “boss” planet) is in your Seventh House of Partners, and his Mercury is in your Tenth House of Authority Figures. Hence, his practical orientation is something you look up to. Meanwhile, your Pisces planets fall in his Seventh House — with Pisces on the Descendant, you’re what he looks for in a partner, anyway.
Are you the one who starts the arguments? Maybe your Venus in Aries feels he is too slow to get things going — I dare say a Grand Earth Trine can be lazy! — and then your Mars kicks in to give him a verbal kick in the butt. But since you can’t just come out and say what irritates you, he feels put off by your indirectness and stubbornly sticks to whatever makes him comfortable.
I think the only thing that will melt him is an appeal to his empathy for your perspective, and you can’t achieve that with anger. Learn to separate your reactions towards him from all your other psychological crap that may be clouding how you perceive him. Communicate in as clear and direct a manner as possible, suggesting concrete actions he can take to remedy the situation. If you can do that, then you might have a splendid marriage.