There’s been an interesting discussion in the comments section of Are Libras unfaithful?
Tina: I wonder what is it about my chart that keeps me from being an unfaithful moon in libra? I am obviously in the minority here and I don’t get it. Is it just because it’s just my moon instead of my sun sign? On paper my libran moon combined with all my uranus aspects would make it seem that I WOULD be into more than one relationship at the same time but I honestly prefer a monogamous relationship. Could my sun in cancer be THAT much of a “taming” influence when the rest of my chart is stacked the other way?
Brenda: … I do think your cancer probably plays a role in what prevents you from making decisions that hurt others (like cheating). My ascendant is cancer, and I think it gives me compassion towards others.
What factors contribute to one’s decision to resist temptation? We may not all fantasize about straying (if we’re in a relationship) or getting involved with someone married (regardless of our relationship status), but I’m sure many of us have — at one time or another — felt the desire to cheat (or seduce another into cheating with us).
Is compassion the secret ingredient? I was just speaking with someone who has her love planets in Gemini and Sag, yet she has Cancer Rising, and she never even considers infidelity. Yet Pisces is also compassionate, yet this fantasy-prone sign — known for lying to self and others — would not be considered a key ingredient in Fidelity Sauce.
Cheaters — is it the case that they just don’t care about hurting other people’s feelings, or is the problem that they can’t control their impulses?
Can certain astrological factors override others?
What if you’ve got Uranus in hard aspect with Venus and Mars in “straying” signs? (And for that matter, what are straying signs?) Will a caring Ascendant be enough to reign in your impulses to screw whomever you want, regardless of the consequences?
Comment below!
I think my kids keep me from straying. I want to at times.. the difficult times. I have no idea if it is something in my chart but, I do know I dont want to hurt my kids that way.. so I dont.
Scorp, You’ve got Saturn conjunct your IC, which relates to the need for consistency and stability in your home life. (chart)
I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. That could also be my Saturn/Sun square. If I so much as think that I’ve done something wrong, I lose sleep. I often feel very guilty even when I haven’t done anything wrong, so. But even though I’m neurotic, I must say that I’ve never been seriously tempted and that is very weird considering that I’m very easily tempted when it comes to other love matters. (For instance, to sleep with someone who I’m infatuated with but who has shown me to be ambivalent about me. I can’t seem to be able to resist THAT. As soon as there’s any cheating on someone else involved, be it bc he’s involved or bc I am, my interest evaporates and I have terrific self-discipline. Even when tipsy, I’ve never done anything drunk that I wouldn’t have done sober. Hmm. And for some reason until now I never realized how disciplined I am in these matters, which makes me realize that I also must have self-control when a relationship is harmful to me even if infidelity doesn’t play a part. Does that make any sense?) Also, I have nothing but contempt for women who knowingly sleep with married men or those who are involved. I call them poachers. I wouldn’t want to be that woman. And, yes, this is one case in which I’m extremely judgmental, Pisces Moon notwithstanding.
I’m not in a relationship right now, but the times that I have been, it’s pretty much all or nothing. I’ve never been able to divide my attentions among multiple guys. If I’m not fully into the person, I’ll end it instead of wasting my time. Why be with someone if you want to stray, or know that you’ll ultimately have the desire to?
In addition, I know I would feel really guilty. Knowing myself, it would bother me that I was doing something unfair to someone else.
Even though I have Aquarius rising, and a Sun in Sag, maybe it’s my Moon and Venus in Scorpio that makes me so unflighty. I don’t know…
“Fidelity Sauce.” <--I like that. I don’t consider myself to be a cheater because I think commitments should be honored as much as possible. That’s why I’m so slow to make a commitment to someone because I tend to like variety, and don’t want to tie myself to the wrong person. Not that I’m trying to have sex with a lot of people, but I definitely tend to collect friendships wherever I go and this has caused much issues/drama in past relationships with people who don’t understand, or agree with, this tendency. And I can’t say I blame my exes for feeling this way because all of my relationships have begun as friendships that evolved into something more. I guess it depends on what the individuals have defined as cheating within the relationship. Is it physical, emotional, or mental? On that note, the friends that I have noticed who can’t seem to be faithful in relationships (or who are generally very promiscuous) are Sag suns/Sag-Scorp cusp suns with Venus in Scorpio. For them, cheating is a result of a not being able to control sexual impulses, and a lax attitude about honoring commitments. Ironically, all four of my friends with this combo are very possessive of their mates.
Ambiguity makes me cheat. If I am not sure about the person I am with, or if I think they are not sure about me….that is dangerous. I am an extreme personality type, and I pretty much am ready to die for the one I love, or I couldn’t care they exist.
Although, strangely, if I am sexually intimate with someone, I automatically turn away other people, even if I don’t love the person I am intimate with. I simply cannot sleep with multiple people. It confuses me.
I think it’s all the control-freak Scorpio and maybe the mushy Pisces that battles my free-for-all Sagittarius all day.
Oh, yeah, and the Sag will tattle tale on me too if I do cheat.
Oh god oh god oh god, I’m so very sorry… but you’ve been tagged. I’ve only done this to you because I love your blog. Sorry.
http://itschironboy.blogspot.com/2007/07/bush-commutes-scooter-libbys-sentence.html
Read the comments on that entry…
Now I understand the need for comment moderation. I wonder what Scooter Libby’s chart looks like. 🙂
Sagilarious, what sign is your moon in? Your rising?
My Sag sun friends that I mentioned earlier have fire moons (Aries/Sagittarius). One has Pisces rising, Aries moon, Scorp venus, Leo mars. I think she’s promiscuous because she’s searching for the perfect relationship. When she was younger, she used to cheat on boyfriends regularly and cheat with other people’s boyfriends. Lately, though, she’s managed to be faithful to her recent boyfriends. She has a very do or die attitude about relationships as well. Either she’s OBSESSIVE about them or she moves on to the next person very quickly (sometimes overlapping), which is cheating in my book. She loves moving in with her boyfriends (has done this multiple times), spends all her time with them, and gets insecure when they’re not physically in the same place. She has mostly fire and water in her chart.
Another Sag friend is like this, too. When single, he’s VERY “free-spirited” (has slept with hundreds of people). In a relationship, he spends all of his time with the woman for the first several months. Then, he starts cheating every now and then. He has Aries moon and Scorpio Venus like the friend above…
Infidelity is more about the person’s insecurities, and fears and immaturity rather than his/her birth sign or even Venus, Mars and Moon signs.
This is my experience of freinds, lovers, and clients:
That would be more evidenced by the squares to the moon, and yes, Uranian ties–just to name a few.
I have noticed more Pisceans to lie, but, that does not mean they’re happy about it either.
I think they (some of them) may tend to be more confused, and unsure what they feel.
I also have noted many Moon in Libras who have 2 loves–and Libra Sun often does too.
However,–again, the fairness of Libra will not make it easy. The Libra will cheat because he/she sees so much of value in more than one person and can’t make up their minds.But they don’t like the unfairness if they have any sense at all.
Scorpios are less concerned if they cheat, but–interestingly they rarely will.
Cancer likes his home, but may cheat–just not leave his wife, 🙂
Re: to what some folks are saying about wanting to cheat, but never will–everyone thinks of it sometimes.
It’s how much we think of it, and why that matters.
Eme–some can’t live with themselves either if they cheat–but that may not stop them.
I don’t think that’s enough.(you’d think it would be!).
If a person has terror about separation, and/or anger issues–sneaking around happens–unfortunately.
Also, if you notice some people *think* they will cheat, and some think they *won’t*–ever.
But later in life–if put to the test–it’s a different story.
Yes–involving oneself with someone else’s husband/wife–is trespassing.
And consequences exist.
I know people can have reasons beyond their own feeings and libido, so I don’t feel *extremely* judgemental ;-)–but in the long run, yes, it’s poaching.
Nonetheless it takes two.
And in some cultures it’s not cheating or odd–you know?
I have a square to the Moon as well as a square to the Sun, so as insecure as I am, I’ve never been unfaithful. And I was unhappily married once.
I have huge abandonment issues and I’d say I carry a lot of anger, for sure. And still, I haven’t cheated. I don’t think it’s made me any better, I am grateful, though. My love life has been chaotic enough as it is.
Hell, just a month ago, I was only seeing a guy and we were supposed to be dating other people and I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t hard meeting attractive guys, either. I just didn’t feel “enthused” or interested. I can only really like one guy at a time. So maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s my tunnel vision. I abhor multi-tasking on any level.
I disagree that breaking up with someone and having a new relationship immediately is cheating. It’s certainly not healthy or mature, but it’s not cheating. By that definition, everyone’s cheated, especially people who are separated or waiting to divorce and date in the meantime. I’ve done that.
I agree that Cancers can cheat. I don’t think it’s about Cancers and compassion since I’ve met quite a few nasty Cancerians. (Stepfather was a Cancer who was abusive.)
Btw, I didn’t mean to put all the blame on the “poachers”. I’ve just had friends who have had married lovers and who feel they’re blameless since they’re not the ones who promised a commitment to another person. I wanted to point out that my avoidance of cheating is there regardless of whether I myself am in a committed relationship or not.
I know I sound very black and white about cheating and I’m actually not. I can see how it could happen. I can believe that people could love two people. I do.
Jeff, I don’t think we’re any closer to figuring out why some people cheat and others don’t (astrologically, anyway).
BlahBlah, Sagiliarious has Pisces Moon and Scorpio Rising. Her chart is in the gallery.
I think “consciousness” may be an ingredient in the Special Sauce, something that is above and beyond astrology. Regardless, this is a fascinating discussion.
I have a Sag Ascendant, Sag Venus and a Virgo Moon. I’m not eager to start relationships and I avoid flirting. At this phase of my life, I’m more comfortable by myself, rather choosing to focus on work and education. Commitment is something I’d like to avoid right now.
I had an affair with an Aries. It was based on benefits and convenients, there weren’t supposed to be any strings attached. When the Aries got attached, I reacted with amputation as a self-mechanism. I felt very confined and pressured, so I had to end it.
While I was in an unhappy stage of an affair, I was spending time with someone else, a Pisces. I don’t mean cheating in the sense that I was sleeping around with someone else, but my communication, thoughts, feelings and mentality was directed towards the Fish, while the Ram was the physical counterpart of a relationship. It may not be regarded as cheating technically, but it is in my opinion cheating morally.
I also find myself daydreaming about sleeping around with someone or having an affair/relationship with someone, but I never do such things. As said, human relations is something I’d like to avoid right now. I’m still mentally and communicationally focused on someone, even though I am technically single. It’s a very peculiar state to be in. To treat a close friend emotionally as if they were a significant other, yet to still remain friends and single.
I know what you mean Noctule, I have always been one to stray mentally when I’m not happy in a relationship.
simply daydreaming about people I’d rather be sleeping with than my current partner. Sometimes it leads to some very intense friendships (ahem) with the opposite sex.
And if that persists after giving things my best shot, it’s obviously time to move on, because when all is well, I only have eyes for my beloved.
I am a Pisces with a Sagittarius moon and Venus in Aries.
I might cheat if I was quite drunk though to be honest, and I’m not particularly proud to say so. But people in relationships are definitely out of bounds. (again, the drunken exception applies)
Everyone would be faithful, loyal and fair if it wasn’t for these nasty planets which make people stray, lie and cheat.
Bad planets!
So true!!@ Cancer likes his home, but may cheat–just not leave his wife, 🙂
A Cancer guy’s motive for cheating would be that he felt his wife wasn’t paying enough attention to him that day, week, month, etc. But he will most likely stay with her because divorce is one of the most unthinkable experiences for this separation-anxiety sign. He’ll probably feel extremely guilty about the cheating for the rest of this life, though. If he has an observant wife, she’ll be able to tell he cheated. (Unfortunately, my observation is coming from personal experience, by the way.)
Eme Kah, your statement about “abhorring multi-tasking on any level” really stood out to me. People obviously cheat for different reasons (e.g., emotional dissatisfaction within current relationship, inability to express thoughts and/or desires to mate, love of variety, low tolerance for boredom or routine, etc.). But in my personal experience, a love for multi-tasking is exactly what would make me cheat (if I ever did). While I do like security of a stable relationship, I become bored if I’m with a person who tries to be my end-all, be-all. There’s a difference, though, between the reason behind what COULD make you cheat and what DOES make you cheat.
I really think it just comes down to a lack of consideration of your partner’s feelings, putting your own wants/needs/desires above what’s good for the relationship. Then again, an affair may turn out to be a turning point for a dead-end relationship (helps the couple realize it should end) or helps uncover deeper issues that the couple may have a hard time addressing otherwise.
And thanks, Jeff, for pointing out the availability of Sagilarious’ chart. I’m looking at it now…
I’m a Cancer. And I did cheat. On my obsessive/possessive/jealous/you name it Aries ex. One reason may be that I was young… but the main reason was revenge for not giving me my freedom (Uranus in 7th, someone said?).
He had absolutely no respect for my privacy, for wanting to be alone sometimes, seeing friends (what would a man do with 3 chicks sipping coffee and gossiping!?)…
Even when I told him that I cheated, and how many times – he still wanted to be with me.
And go shot me in the foot – I never felt bad about it. I might even say that he deserved it.
Now… with my Cap ex, it was a completely different story. Honesty and fidelity were two only things he asked from me. No controlling, no calling me obsessively 3 times in one hour when I go out, no interrogations. Just simple trust. Result – I’ve never even looked at some other guy. All his.
I must add – Cap was way more self-assured than the Ram.
Wow, exclusion.blue, I had a VERY similar experience to what you described.
I’m a Cancer who “cheated” on an Aries ex. I still don’t consider it cheating because I told him we were over, and he refused to think of us as broken up. I did meet the other guy while I was still in a relationship and went out with him for coffee, but we didn’t *DO* anything until after I broke up with my ex.
I moved on for the same reasons as you: he was very controlling, possessive, jealous, obsessive (e.g., called my job 50+ times in one hour and threatened to come down and get me fired), couldn’t see my point of view EVER, etc. He was my first sexual partner and I still think that had something to do with how possessive he was about me. He always said during our relationship that if I ever cheated, he wouldn’t get back with me, so I think that was my subconscious (passive-aggressive?) way of making a breakup between us stick. I felt so free when I told him. The freedom was worth the emotional/verbal abuse from him after he found out about it.
Exclusion.blue brings up a good point about her 7th house uranus. I have some challenging and helpful aspects to uranus. Maybe uranus has something to do with cheating?? Feeling caged in makes me want to break free.
I think the possibility of cheating also depends on how the couple’s charts interact with each other and what tendencies certain aspects trigger. My Aries ex has Gem mars like me and our debates were never-ending and circular, which was stimulating in the beginning, but became extremely frustrating after awhile. He also has Aquarius venus. I was attracted to his ability to be his own person, but then I started noticing he just likes to be contrary and would even contradict himself! All the arguing made me yearn for an easier, drama and debate free experience with someone else.
My ex also had Saturn in Gemini, which conjuncts my venus and his mars. I felt very suffocated emotionally and physically in that relationship and studying astrology helped me understand why he felt so threatened by me meeting different people, going different places, etc. I love doing fun things with my partner when I’m in a relationship. At first, I wanted to do those things with him, but his cynicism and controlling behavior (trying to tell me what not to wear, what friends I couldn’t visit, constantly calling whenever I went out, etc.) made me want to do things with anyone BUT him. He saw threats to the relationship EVERYWHERE. It became tiring dealing with his insecurities.
The guy I “cheated” with had loads of water and very little fire and air planets. He’s a sun Cancer with Scorpio moon, Cancer mercury/venus/saturn, and Scorpio uranus. After the Aries ex, the Cancer was like the other extreme. Our bond was immediate and I felt that he understood me almost too well. I never thought of being with anyone else when I was with him.
Funny you should mention that, guys. The Ram that latched onto me regarded me as their property to such an extent that breaking up was impossible. I even said that it was over, that I didn’t want anymore, and the Aries totally plowed that statement down and latched onto tighter.
The only thing that helped in my case was removing myself physically from them, far, far away and amputating communicational bonds. The Ram got the hint after SEVERAL FREAKING MONTHS. Even though we’ve clearly broken up, the Ram is still somehow clinging to me, I feel. I don’t know if it’s a typical Aries thing, I don’t know if it’s sincere, I don’t even know what the Ram wants. Am I being played with?
I wonder if the majority of Ariens or people with heavy Arian influences are this oppressive and tunnelvisioned. I’ve experienced four of them so far, been steering away ever since.
Noctule, you say: “I even said that it was over, that I didn’t want anymore, and the Aries totally plowed that statement down and latched onto tighter.”
I don’t know if that’s typical Aries behavior, but that’s exactly what happened in my case, too. I broke up with my boyfriend in October of one year and he still considered us together all the way through February of the next year and kept pestering me about getting back together. You would think he realized the contradiction of these two feelings, right? How can you want to get “back together” if you’re not broken up? No, this contradiction didn’t seem obvious to him. Therefore, he still thinks I cheated on him even though I was with someone else in DECEMBER (clearly after October, right?). Well, despite my knowing the relationship was a really bad one, I agreed to have a “fresh start” with him after being with the other guy and it was hell. He never dropped the subject, asking me questions about the guy constantly, going back and forth between saying he loved me and being verbally abusive about the situation until I had to just stop responding to his calls, emails, in-person visits.
In my experiences, they are VERY possessive. And it’s not the same kind of possessiveness as say, stereotypical Cancer, Taurus, or even Scorpio. It’s more ego-driven I think, like “how could you possibly want to be with someone else besides me?”
I have a female Aries friend who broke up with her boyfriend of a year and a half because she wasn’t sure she loved him (she never said “I love you” to him, despite him saying it every day to her) and thought he was too chubby (i.e., embarrassed to be seen with him). Even though she really cared about him, he wasn’t good for her ego (his chubbiness), which translated to her not being sure about her feelings.
Well, 2 weeks after she broke up with him, she started seeing him around with another woman, which completely threw her. She found at the day before my birthday, and couldn’t stop talking about it during my birthday party the next day.
Two years later, her ex is now engaged to the woman. Even though my friend broke up with the guy and has since moved on to her own 2 yr. relationship, she STILL feels hurt about this guy managing to recover so quickly after she dumped him. She’s self-aware enough to know that it has nothing to do with actual feelings for the guy, but more with the fact that he moved on so quickly. In her own words, “How is this guy still breathing? He should be DEVASTATED!!!” Although she was joking, I know there’s some truth to her words.
That he moved on so quickly makes her doubt his feelings were true, which is understandable. However, it was pretty obvious to everyone that he worshiped her. I have tried to tactfully explain to her that he was VERY giving throughout the relationship, always putting her needs first (he’s a solar Virgo), and never asking for anything in return. When he told her he loved her, she would always reply “thanks.” I’m thinking, “How long did you think he would put up with loving you less than you love him?” It’s easier to recover from a relationship when you know someone isn’t as committed. She’s my friend, though, so I tried not to put it as bluntly as this. She knows it isn’t fair to feel the way she does, but she’s still hurt. Her ego’s hurt, not her feelings. With Aries types, though, it’s hard for them to tell the difference between the two. Maybe there ISN’T a difference…
Oops, I meant to write:
I’m thinking, “How long did you think he would put up with loving you MORE than you love him?”
blahblah, excellent post.
I like very much that you listed many different reasons for possible cheating/straying–because there’s so many psychosocial, emotional, physical & cultural “reasons”… and more!
I wanted to mention, that while I agree that controlling oneself, and *not* acting out a desire to cheat is a good thing when one is committed, emotional affairs can be almost dangerous as a physical affair–sometimes just as much dangerous.
While I ageee that at least avoiding physical intimacy is something important, getting most of my emotional needs met through someone that *isn’t* my partner means something is wrong.
(at least if it continues for any length of time).
I have had intense “friendships” too.
It still means I’m straying in a sense, becuase emotionally I’ve left my committed relationship.
Maybe, some people actually can do this in a self-contained non-problematic way.
But, I tend to doubt it.
I can’t anyway.
“blahblah, excellent post.
I like very much that you listed many different reasons for possible cheating/straying–because there’s so many psychosocial, emotional, physical & cultural “reasons”… and more!”
This is true but blahblah didn’t cheat. Just bc the Aries guy refused to believe they broke up doesn’t make blahblah a cheater. He was just a tar-baby and an ass! I’ve seen the same “stalkerish” behavior in men who are not Aries. I’ve never dated an Aries, actually. I’ve seen this behavior in Scorpios a lot.
Thanks Eme Kah for defending my behavior. I think both of you are right, actually.
I was emotionally cheating on my ex because I definitely got to know the Cancer guy before doing anything physical. That was while I was still technically with the Aries. The problem is that I had emotionally checked out of the relationship before officially breaking up with him. And that’s when the ambiguity comes in. I felt guilty about the emotional cheating, so I withstood all of the Aries’ temper tantrums because I thought he was justified in a way for feeling betrayed. (He took full advantage of my guilty and sympathetic feelings, though.)
On the other hand, I also agree that technically I didn’t cheat. I waited awhile after breaking up with the Aries before going on an official date with the Cancer. But because of the circumstances, that relationship was doomed almost from the start. I was in no shape to be dating anyone that soon after being in such an emotionally traumatic relationship with Aries. I wasn’t even myself at the time…
I do agree that emotional cheating is just as problematic as physical cheating (maybe even more so). If that’s happening, then something is definitely wrong with the relationship. Either it needs to be dealt with or the relationship needs to end. Well, I knew this at the time and I tried talking to my Aries ex about how I was feeling, but he really wasn’t trying to hear where I was coming from. I tried explaining to him that I felt smothered in the relationship and he would just blame me for being a “bad girlfriend” because I didn’t consider his feelings. In other words, if I only did what he wanted all the time, things would be better. That’s when I was like, “Well screw this, I’m going to talk to someone who understands where I’m coming from because my boyfriend has no clue.”
It’s funny how things work out because just when you need a shoulder to lean on, Cancers or Pisceans seem to come around when they’re needed most. Almost like they have a radar for those in emotional distress.
So no, I don’t feel guilty for what I did, but I am more aware of what I need in a relationship and I haven’t let things get that bad with a man since. I can spot the “signs” from a mile away now. 😉
Exclusion blue,
I have a less extreme and opposite version of your case and I am wondering if you could give me some feedback. I am a bit insecure and have been possesive, interogating,suspicious etc. with my boyfriend of four years, its a negetive pattern I developed from the drama of the first year of our relationship, and my previous one. There were some breaches of honesty on his part along the way, but no infidelity, which I discovered by disrespecting his privacy( going through his phone and emails) I know that if I could just trust him, and not portray these negetive habits, he would be happier, and thats important to me. I am sure in the long run my trust and his sense of freedom might prevent further breaches of honesty. But from a jealous possessive person to a non jealous person, what can I do to make up for my past behavior and show him that I am really trying to be more secure? Do you think its to late to change and start rebuilding the feeling of trust between us? Was there a point in your past relationship where your partner could have redeemed himself…( Granted, I am no where near as intense as that guy was…)I am making alot of progress but I think an awful lot about this, and I am striving to find a way to get over this FEAR of being betrayed.
@Flashina
Insecurity is something many of us have to cope with, question is only how we do it. As for my Aries ex, he never really tried to hear what my needs are or where I needed his respect and recognition (and I do need these in any kind of one-on-one relationship). I have tried to explain him these things numerous times but without any success. Apart from that, he never really tried to change anything about him, he always had to be right about everything regarding his or my life, ambitions, goals… and he never managed to see or understand any of this, while admitting that he’s wrong was always out of question. That just doesn’t happen to him.
In addition I was at the time way more successful than he was and that was eating him up so much that very often he wouldn’t want to leave my house so that I can study, or sleep cause of early classes. Like he was trying to destroy anything that may push me away from him or to diminish anything that I’ve accomplished in life (which he did very often verbally). Arguments about this or about me wanting to leave would, in our last year, often grow over the verbal boundaries. We became capable of pulling the worst out of each other. I for one became abusive, in all ways one can imagine.
Guilt for us staying so long together and not breaking up (but literally) lays on my back too, since through time we created a two-way addiction to each other, and I was too weak to let go one I love, to weak to plunge in suffering needed to get out of any emotional bond although I was very aware of how bad we are when together.
As for you, you know your problem and that’s half way to a solution. I’m also always frightened that if I let someone in too much they will hurt me, use me, dump me, reject me, do something behind my back, lie to me, I’m Miss Paranoia. My Cap ex, several months into our relationship, when we’ve already expressed our love in many ways, asked me ‘How could you possibly be with me if you don’t trust me?’ And not only with him – with anyone. He asked this because of me always having doubts about everything, I would like the most if I could just enter people’s heads and see for myself what they think instead of trusting or asking. Back then I was jealous on his ex girlfriend, his best friend and what not… I knew people we ever loved leave marks in our souls and although I was done with all my previous relationships when I started dating him, and nothing from my past love life could possibly jeopardize my love to him I couldn’t accept right away that the same was in his head and heart too.
He wasn’t the reason for my fear. I was. Just as my Ram was trying to fill the missing parts of his own persona with someone else’s parts. That’s not possible. We have to first recognize ourselves from inside, find our strengths in our goals and ambitions, nurture them and love them, then we can see if there are still justified, reasonable motives from our outside world that push us into extreme behaviour patterns.
Takes a lot of hard work to change things like this, but try to analyze with ratio instead with your emotions. Does he obviously hides things from you? Do you really don’t know where he goes and what he does? Can you put aside your dark thoughts for a moment and try to feel his love (I give rich meanings to telepathic connections)? The way you’re feeling and acting blurs any other true feeling that can arise.
Then there’s other point of view – would you like to be checked on every 15 minutes? Stalked, spied, anything? You wouldn’t, trust me.
I solved my problem by deciding to trust my Cap. I saw that it’s very important to him, and he trusted me. I admit, I had a few jealousy bursts in 4 years, but I had somewhat valid reasons for them.
I hope I’ve at least gave you some new insight to your problem, cause I certainly haven’t helped much 🙂
Exclusion blue,
Your insight has helped… It reaffirmed all the things I have been thinking about and trying to culltivate for myself. I maybe jealous or possessive sometimes, but
I never stalk, abuse or try and control my partner…which after hearing about your ex, makes me feel a lot less freaky than I thought. I actually feel more connected to the way you were acting with your cap ex, being jealous of exes and past loves, knowing my past loves couldnt jepordize the way I feel but not trusting that that was the case with him. I get jealous cuz he is super affectionate to all of our friends. I get jealous cuz he is sentimental and saves all his old letters and emails…i just get jealous. An I am trying to move through it, because you are right, how can you fully be with someone if you dont have trust? We live together and I always know where he is, he is very considerate. I do feel a deep connection to him, and we have a very deep love. I always re- realizethat love when he comes home at the end of the day or meets me somewhere for dinner or what ever. Its like my imagination is my worst enemy, all the things i have found from snooping coupled with my imagination equals DISASTER. I think your insight really showed me that it is essential to be self aware and always working through things, but that I am not alone in my feelings and that others have felt this way as well. Thank you for taking the time to answere my comment.
Oh my God, exclusion.blue, were we dating the same person?!:
“In addition I was at the time way more successful than he was and that was eating him up so much that very often he wouldn’t want to leave my house so that I can study, or sleep cause of early classes. Like he was trying to destroy anything that may push me away from him or to diminish anything that I’ve accomplished in life (which he did very often verbally). Arguments about this or about me wanting to leave would, in our last year, often grow over the verbal boundaries. We became capable of pulling the worst out of each other. I for one became abusive, in all ways one can imagine.”
My Aries ex actually got fired from a job that he had (and liked!) for 3 years because he wouldn’t leave my house – EVER (to this day, I’m very cautious about letting a date know where I live), and wanted to go to school/class with me every day. He went to a different school at the time, and would skip HIS classes to go with me to mine. And telling him no would turn into hours-long arguments, so I would just let him go. In the beginning, I liked him coming to school with me on his off days, because we could share that time together. But our relationship became very co-dependent, and I didn’t like feeling like I couldn’t do anything without him there. When I met him, I was making straight A’s. During our relationship, it got to the point where I just wouldn’t go to school some days rather than take him with me. The more things fell apart in his life, the more he clung to me. He would constantly want me to make the same “sacrifices” he made for me (giving up friends, job, school, etc.) to show how much I loved him.
Flashina, I know you didn’t ask for my opinion/advice, but I just want to co-sign with exclusion.blue here. She’s giving you good advice on how to work through insecurity issues. I would consider myself a person that has a fear of betrayal and I don’t like to share what I view as “mine” (I was raised as an only child, I’m a Cancer, have Scorpio moon, take your pick as to why I’m possessive), BUT I also think about how I would like to be treated (and what tends to chase me away), and that’s what keeps me from putting restraints on people I’m in a relationship with.
It’s ok to be jealous. That’s a natural emotion. It just means that you value the bond that you have with your mate. But being able to recognize the line between being jealous and having a reason to be suspicious may help prevent you from becoming controlling and restrictive, which can chase him away and make you both miserable.
Exclusion.blue mentions some good questions to ask yourself to help tell the difference. Good luck with your relationship. 🙂
Compassion- In my terms this simply means sympathy, apathy, feeling sorry for…not cool with that.
I don’t want compassion in a relationship, I want love. Love is the #1 ingredient for fidelity, # 2 Happiness if neither is there well then guess what nothing in the world is going to keep me there not even kids. I don’t believe anyone should stay in a relationship where this does not exist. Some of you mentioned commitments and being honorable…yeah thats all great, but guess what if you aren’t making your partner happy then chances are commitments and honor will not keep them faithful to you. I don’t care whats in a person’s chart anyone will cheat given the, “right temptation”….Nothing kept Eve from temptation and we are all grown from the same seed…For those of us that are not in love, or happy and will keep ourselves from being unfaithful I think do it simply out of respect,empathy, fear of losing everything, or ending up alone. And for the smarter ones who have worked long and hard for all of our assets don’t feel like cutting this down by 1/2 and earning a payment of child support for the next 20 years, plus alimony.