Hold onto your mouse ears, kids! After dating a parade of sexy starlets including Taylor Swift and Camilla Belle, Joe Jonas has officially fallen for his Camp Rock co-star and frequent musical collaborator Demi Lovato.

(We’ll spare you the “it’s a small world” joke.) To put this in perspective, we haven’t seen this kind of Mouseketeer matchmaking since a teen Timberlake and a doe-eyed Spears first charmed late-’90s audiences.

Ah, how we miss the days of boy-band-etry and Crossroads… Anyway, now that decade’s gone by, could it be that we’ve found the new heirs to Mickey’s squeaky-clean throne? Joe and Demi already have the PG cred, and they’re definitely popular enough; we all know how rabid Jonas fans can be, but throw a Lovato in the mix, and this could turn into the gossip that broke Twitter. Before they accept the keys to the Magic Kingdom, let’s see if the picture-perfect pair is the real deal.

We hate to burst a teen heartthrob bubble, but there might be trouble a-brewin’ in Epcot. According to their birth date analysis, Joe (born on August 15, 1989) and Demi (born on August 20, 1992) are likely to have major communication issues. More >

*Note: Moonit’s relationship assessment is based on a proprietary algorithm powered by Astrolabe that identified Venus square North Node as their strongest weighted aspect, based on their birth dates using a noon election.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is nothing if not a triple-threat. We have all of her albums, we’ve seen every hit movie – even the ones without Howard Hesseman! – and we love her on the small screen. And now, our perma-squinting “Party of Five”-er is spreading her wings and moving on to the written word. In a feat of bad timing, The Day I Shot Cupid, Hewitt’s tome on love and dating, will be released on March 23–just days after her split from her latest fiancee, Ghost Whisperer co-star Jamie Kennedy.

We’ve got to be honest: something about the Hewitt-Kennedy pairing never exactly sat right with us. We thought there might be trouble when Hewitt admitted that, even from the start, Kennedy teased her about her “pear”-shaped rump. (”Peach” is the word you were looking for, Jamie. “Peach.”)

Then, in October, rumors ran rampant that Jennifer had dumped the funnyman. The couple adamantly denied the buzz, and Jamie seemed psyched to see his future wife in a Lifetime TV movie role as a stripper. (…) Mutual friends now claim the relationship “just ran its course,” but leave it to Moonit to uncover why, in this case, “love” is just a middle name.

According to Moonit’s analysis of their birth dates, Jennifer (born on February 21, 1979) and Jamie (born on May 25, 1970) had, “something special going on, and that [was] clear to anyone within a five-mile radius. More >

*Note: Moonit’s relationship assessment is based on a proprietary algorithm powered by Astrolabe that identified Mars trine Mars as their strongest weighted aspect for romantic compatibility and Sun square Sun for long-term compatibility, based on their birth dates using a noon election.

This past week, Jamie Foxx added some grist to the rumor mill when he turned the Oscars into his personal, dress-to-impress date night. Foxx brought along a rather unexpected “plus one”: the age-defying Stacey Dash. (Or, as we like to call her, OMG-she’s-so-pretty-totes-love-her-skin-and-her-eyes-are-wicked-fierce from Clueless.) Although the lovely Ms. Dash was just days out of a split from her–count ‘em–third husband, she was spotted hitting up after-parties with A-lister Foxx. Will the fourth time be the charm for Stacey, or is this nothing more than a dash* of publicity?

According to Moonit’s birth date analysis, Jamie (born on December 13, 1967) and Stacey (born on January 20, 1966) are “en fuego.” Their physical compatibility is right up there with the best of ‘em, and it seems these two have, “passion to spare…the attraction levels are off the charts.” More >

*Note: Moonit’s relationship assessment is based on a proprietary algorithm powered by Astrolabe that identified Venus conjunct Mars as their strongest weighted aspect, based on their birth dates using a noon election.

Oh, how quickly they grow up. It seems like just yesterday, our little Hanna (nee Montana) was just another adorable Disney wunderkind. But now country progeny Miley Cyrus is spreading her wings and – dare we say it – becoming a full-fledged Hollywood A-lister. First, she gets to star in her very own drama, The Last Song. (Sob!) Then, she gets quietly cozy with co-star Liam Hemsworth. (Sniffle!) And now, she’s fessing up to their romance at–wait for it–the OSCARS. (Full on crying jag! You might want to look away while we go fetal and sing Sunrise, Sunset to ourselves.)

Okay. We’re better now, especially since it looks like Liam and Miley were a match from the start. According to their birth date analysis, it’s no surprise that Miley (born on November 23, 1992) and Liam (born on January 31, 1990) found love on-set: they fit together “like a glove.” More >

*Note: Moonit’s relationship assessment is based on a proprietary algorithm powered by Astrolabe that identified Moon sextile Venus as their strongest weighted aspect, based on their birth dates using a noon election.

After countless viewings of the awesomeness that is The Office, we’ve all gotten a bit better rolling with uncomfortable social situations. (Bless your heart, Michael Scott, for desensitizing the cringe-y parts of us in all the right ways.) Unfortunately, the latest Variety heralds news that’s so awkward, we’d need a Dwight clip-show on endless loop to keep us from freezing in a perma-wince.

In a dear-lord-how-on-earth-did-that-happen moment, Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake have signed on to play the romantic leads in The Bad Teacher, Columbia Pictures’ latest rom-com. For those of you keeping track, Diaz and Timberlake were smoochily inseparable for almost four years, and when things dissolved in 2007, they weren’t exactly … amicable. Or polite. Or non-temper-tantrum-y. Now that they’ll be in close professional quarters, Moonit’s dying to see if these former lovebirds can put aside their differences, bring the magic on set, and turn the The Bad Teacher into a good venture.

According to their birth date analysis, Justin (born on January 31, 1981) and Cameron (born on August 30, 1972) can definitely spur each other on to bring their respective “A-Game”s. More >

*Note: Moonit’s relationship assessment is based on a proprietary algorithm powered by Astrolabe that identified Mercury sextile Jupiter as their strongest weighted aspect for professional compatibility, based on their birth dates using a noon election.

After dating Terri Seymour for a Hollywood eon, Sith-lord-in-training Simon Cowell seems to have fallen for Terri’s beauty school doppleganger. Since Cowell recently proposed to co-worker Mezhgan Hussainy, an American Idol make-up artist, he’s clearly ignoring the classic adage, “Don’t poop where you eat/eviscerate pop hopefuls.”

Mezhgan’s been spotted sporting the $750,000 6-carat sparkler Simon gave her on Valentine’s Day, and in a recent interview, Simon admitted that he’s, “ready to settle down and have little Simons running around.” Now that the nausea’s subsided, Moonit’s ready to find out why Simon’s so smitten and how Mezghan managed to tame the wild, arrogant beast.

According to their birth date analysis, Mezhgan (born on March 28, 1973) and Simon (born on October 7, 1959) are great at challenging and pushing each other to the limit. More >

*Note: Moonit’s relationship assessment is based on a proprietary algorithm powered by Astrolabe that identified Mars sextile Jupiter as their strongest weighted aspect, based on their birth dates using a noon election.

**City of birth not known for Hussainy. Sasstrology used capital of Afghanistan.

If you’re looking for yet another way to tell we’re not Canadian, here goes: we know less than squat about the NHL. We don’t know why players fight all the time, or why New York has two teams, or why they never, ever let us drive the Zamboni. However, thanks to Edmonton Oilers center Mike Comrie, we do have a better idea of what puck-pusher salaries look like.

Have you seen the gifts he’s been lavishing on La Duff? What about that time he surprised the double-threat with a $100K Mercedes Benz G-Class SUV? (It was her 20th birthday, and she was reportedly expecting “shoes or something.” Way to under-promise and over-deliver, Mikey!) Now that they’ve been together for two glorious years, it looks like Duff’s hit the next tier of gifting; while on a V-Day vacay in Hawaii, Mike popped the question with a 4.5-carat, radiant-cut engagement ring.

If you’re wondering, it’s rumored to be worth a cool million. (And yes; that sound you just heard was us swooning.) It’s hard to be anything other than glowy when you’re faced with seven-digit presents, but does the happy couple have what it takes for a long-term face-off? Moonit’s on the case.

According to Moonit’s analysis, Hilary (born on September 28, 1987) and Mike (born on September 11, 1980) are in for a “sexy-time explosion.” More >

*Note: Moonit’s relationship assessment is based on a proprietary algorithm powered by Astrolabe that identified Pluto conjunct Mars as their strongest weighted aspect, based on their birth dates using a noon election.

It only took three-ish years, but just when we were finally getting used to seeing them together, actor Ryan Phillippe and Australian girlfriend Abbie Cornish (or, as we once called her, “NotReese”) have reportedly called it quits. The still-married Ryan met Abbie on the set of 2006’s Stop-Loss, and the illicit duo officially started dating shortly after Phillipe’s seven-year marriage went kaput. Since Abbie was recently spotted boxing up her belongings and vacating Phillippe’s former love nest, Moonit decided it was time to investigate where things went oh-so-wrong.

Since his marriage to Ms. Witherspoon withered into bickering and judgment, it’s easy to see why Ryan (born on September 10, 1974) would gravitate toward Abbie (born on August 7, 1982); simply put, Abbie’s his “happy place,” and this is, “one of those relationships that just works.” More >

*Note: Moonit’s relationship assessment is based on a proprietary algorithm powered by Astrolabe that identified Moon trine Mars as their strongest weighted aspect, based on their birth dates using a noon election.

*According to Wikipedia, Cornish was born in Lochinvar, New South Wales, but that city could not be located in Sasstrology’s atlas.*

We hate to say “we told you so,” but Moonit was skeptical when Twilight vamp Kellan Lutz and 90210’s AnnaLynne McCord called it quits back in November. The look-a-like couple reportedly broke up because Kellan wasn’t stepping up as a boyfriend; rumor has it she was less than pleased with his crappy birthday present. But Moonit was adamant about the couple being MFEO, and look what happened…

Since New Years, the on-again pair has been sneaking around, and AnnaLynne was even caught booty-calling Kellan’s cabana in Miami. Just this week, AnnaLynne let on about a Kellan meet-up that happened after a Nintendo DSi Studio appearance. (Well, duh. She was flirtexting with him the whole time she was there.) For any of you who missed it last time around, we’ll recap our take on the couple… More >

*Note: Moonit’s relationship assessment is based on a proprietary algorithm powered by Astrolabe that identified Mars conjunct Jupiter as their strongest weighted aspect, based on their birth dates using a noon election.

Emily Blunt seems to be on top of the world these days. After landing coveted roles in Charlie Wilson’s War, Sunshine Cleaning and The Devil Wears Prada, she’s now premiering in the scare-fest blockbuster The Wolfman. But on a personal level, she’s landed something even better: John Krasinski.

We don’t mean to get all covet-y or anything, but he is one of those rare dashingly-handsome-and-oh-yeah-did-we-mention-he’s-also-smart-and-hilarious-and-talented guys we’ve all been pining over since we were elbow-deep in MASH notes. Even still, we guess we can put aside our jealousy for a second or two to see what Moonit predicts for this charming duo. (And to figure out if we’re going to be living in the mansion or the shack.)

According to their birth dates, Emily (born on February 23, 1983) and John (born on October 20, 1979) got themselves “two tickets to paradise” when they hooked up. More >

*Note: Moonit’s relationship assessment is based on a proprietary algorithm powered by Astrolabe that identified Venus trine Moon as their strongest weighted aspect, based on their birth dates using a noon election.