Libra, the marriage contract, and unrealistic expectations
July 11, 2008 by Jeffrey Kishner
Grow up in a popculture-rich society inundated by Hollywood rom-coms, sappy love songs and mass market paperbacks, and you will inevitably swallow part or whole of a prepackaged set of assumptions about the ideal relationship. The rite of passage into true adulthood involves popping the bubble and learning to approach partnership with realistic expectations and halfway decent communication skills.
Boil down marriage, and what you have is a social contract. Libra and the Seventh House concern not only partnership but contractual agreements. Marriage is a piece of paper — you don’t have to be in love, you just have to be above a certain age and opposite in gender from your spouse. When you add religion, you get certain vows by which you promise to abide. The institution of marriage offers legal rights and some social cachet.
Libra is an Air sign, and this element concerns the mental realm. Although Libra is ruled by the planet Venus, goddess of love, this sign approaches love via the intellect. Libra and the Seventh House relate to the script or frame by which we understand the nature of partnership.
What are you agreeing to when you commit to someone?
There are two types of agreements — what’s on paper and what you explicitly (or implicitly) agree to behind closed doors.
Monogamy is often encoded in the law. In some states in the U.S., there are criminal penalties ranging from a ten dollar fine to two years imprisonment (and possibly even a life sentence) for committing adultery. In the U.S. military, one can get court-martialled for cheating on one’s spouse. According to wikipedia, “in jurisdictions where adultery is not itself a criminal offense, it may still have legal consequences, particularly in divorce cases. For example it may constitute grounds for divorce, it may be a factor to consider in a property settlement, it may affect the status of children, the custody of children, etc. Moreover, adultery may result in social ostracism.”
When you agree to get married, you are legally agreeing to be sexually faithful to your spouse. But, of course, many couples take their relationship into their own hands. You might get legally married but decide to have an open relationship. But even if you’re polyamorous, rules are still necessary to make this arrangement work. Some examples: Your spouse is #1, and you will end any secondary relationships if they threaten your primary one. You commit to being radically honest about all manner of fantasies and emotions (including jealousy, insecurity and possessiveness). You must wear protection with everyone but your spouse. It doesn’t matter what you agree to — in order to make an alternative arrangement work, there needs to be an explicit understanding. Even in BDSM relationships, there are strict rules to ensure the safety of all participants. No wonder that Saturn — planet of rules and strict boundaries — is exalted in this sign!
Things get fuzzy when you get into implicit agreements. For example, a married guy hits on you, and you remind him he’s got a wife. He says, “We have an understanding.” What does that mean? Did his wife specifically say, “Do what you want, just don’t tell me about it”?
What are your expectations in a relationship?
We crave order, because life is so chaotic. A mental model of a relationship can help us feel secure. But what if you and your partner have different ideas about the relationship?
So many problems arise because both parties have different expectations of their partner. Does your husband expect you to have sex with him twice a week, or to consult with him about making expenditures above $100? Do you feel that it’s not OK for your wife to talk about your marriage problems with a best friend or therapist? Is your partner allowed to have a close friend of the opposite gender who’s not gay? If so, do you and your spouse make these expectations clear? And what if your partner says, “I didn’t agree to this when we decided to commit”?
Most conversations that last through the night are about clarifying your positions on aspects of the relationship that have, until now, remained unspoken. We often don’t broach specific topics out of fear that we will lose our partner if we stand up for ourselves or demand something from them. And sometimes after these talks, you simply agree to disagree, decide you’ll try to find a middle ground, or just accept that there’s a major incompatibility. You somehow learn to live with it, because you’d rather be in the relationship than not.
Compromise, sacrifice, surrender
We all have a unique image of the perfect relationship, and therefore enter a real one with a set of expectations. Our partner enters the relationship with an often different set of expectations. Success depends on finding some overlap between the two, like in a Venn diagram. However, that means that each partner has expectations that remain unfulfilled in the relationship. We learn that one person cannot be everything to us, and look to friends and even professionals to meet some of these needs. But what if your unfulfilled need is one that is supposed to met only by your partner? You might have a higher sex drive, or have kinks that your lover does not want to indulge.
Is this where the Pisces archetype kicks in? To remain sexually faithful, do you sacrifice a part of your sexual fulfillment, or retreat into fantasy? The same could be said for romance. If you crave flowers and chocolate but your husband is not expressive in that way, do you turn to Harlequin romance novels to get your fix? Neptune is the modern ruler of Pisces and the higher octave of Venus. This planet can steer you towards escapism, or simple acceptance of what is. Aligning with Neptune can mean coming to peace with the fact that not all of your desires will be fulfilled, and that it is delusional to expect otherwise. You develop an attitude of Zen-like “is-ness” about your partnership. Through mindfulness, you dispassionately observe your grasping mind, which tries to meld your spouse into an all powerful being who will be mother, father, lover, and friend, anticipating your needs before you are aware of them.
You learn that expectation is a product of the mind, and that you can see your lover as the Beloved by just being with them as they are.
Disclaimer: The mention of zodiac signs above does not refer to Sun sign expressions, but rather archetypes which are shared by everyone. Don’t personalize it.
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I think it’s STOOOOOOOPID to have adultery classified as a ‘crime’. I know my comment has nothing whatsoever to do with astrology, but whatever……..
“I think it’s STOOOOOOOPID to have adultery classified as a ‘crime”
I disagree. Adultery itself is stupid. It denies the importance of the vows you made when you made the marriage contract.
In Connecticut, where I live, adultery is a crime. It is rarely enforced, but it does punctuate the importance of the marriage contract. It displays that the act of adultery does harm. It victimizes the spouse of the adulterer. People who engage in and think adultery is not that big of a deal are not acting in a mature manner towards the people they live with.
Jeffrey is right. No one person can be all things to one person. And you know what? They aren’t meant to. It is our responsibility to fill those spaces that are empty in ourselves, not our spouses. And we have the responsibility to do so in a manner that will not harm our partner.
Oh man, have you read tha book about GLOOM vows?
A man and a woman gets married. Because the ceremony, they created ANOTHER ceremony to tell the truth about darkness.
He said, “I vow to take your identity and make you another extension of myself.”
She said, “I vow to be nice and polite on the outside, but will ake your car and money and leave.”
That’s paraphrasing it. Then they get married.
I agree there is always some kind of contract–one way or the other.
May’s post about the GLOOM vows..
I wnder why everyone always thinks of women as the one who gets the hosue, and the car, and the $and then walks away?
I never did that.Would not.
I guess I can (maybe) see a person doing it if her husband or his wife had deliberately lied and hurt them by constant cheating, or some other such thing,something that changed everything.
I guess.
But i might still just pack and leave *if* there was no more relationship worth working on anyway.
Anyway–my opinion?
Get to know a person before you move in, let alone commit, because only then do you know how he/she really is–and you’ll find more about if they would be inclined to cheat, inclined to hold you hostage, or has friends you could never accept–etc.
I *don’t* mean ask your love tons of questions, and hope for the right answers–I actually did that once, and still only found out–the hard way…:-(
Find out–slowly.
Just because I think adultery should not be classified as a ‘crime’, DOES NOT mean that I think adultery is OK or that “it’s not that big a deal”. To suggest that is a bit presumptuous. Adultery is definitely not OK, but from my point of view, it’s PERSONAL. Marriage to me is a sacred, intimate & extremely private bond. Whether me & my spouse honor it as such or break our vows, is for us to know & deal with. It’s not a place for law enforcement, neighbors, relatives, newspapers to come in & tell us what we ought to be doing.
ADultery is not only a crime but a Sin=
For me I think that marriage promises should be honest. Like promising to tell the other person that you met someone else before you take action. I think I’d apreciate it more if a guy stayed with me because He WANTED to, not because some silly paper says so, I think if poeple were more honest with themselves before they got married it would last longer. When I married, it was against my instincts, I was pregnant and felt GUILTY….not a good reason to marry. I would have stuck it out even though I didnt love the guy but he turned on our child so when he left, I was happy….I think a lot of Libras expecially should stop marrying out of GUILT, OBLIGATION or just to have someone, thats why the problems happen.
I met a lovley Libra gal, any hints?
Thanks
Yes Taurus Guy,
Then you have to show her lots of gestures, not gifts so much as affection, hold the door open etc. Call her just to say you love her, with a Libra girl its affection that makes her melt….Flowers are nice too, but they dont have to be exenspensive, just romantic, pick them yourself right in front of her NOT FROM HER YARD LOL
If you want her to adore you and never look at another guy
Tell her that you think shes smart, not just pretty, we know we’re pretty, hearing that someone recognizes our brains is good too, we are pretty sharp
Oh and the winner, make her laugh, as often as you can, it helps us grow. hugs are worth more to us then jewelry, and if you ever get her jewelry, make it small, pretty is more important to her then expensive….
It really wasn’t outrageous, my expectations from marriage, I just wanted the confortable home thing, you know someone to snuggle with on the sofa after work or when the baby was asleep…. Not all Libras are seeking a soap opera type of life. Aome just want the closeness and bond that 2 people can share. Not all of us our “flakey” like we get called. It isnt easy for a person in this world that values love above everything else to keep getting disapointed from indifference…. I’ve met a lot of flakes that were NOT Libras
some not Aome LOL
I’m in a relationship now where I love the guy (hes an Aqua) and he keeps talking about us moving in together. As much as I love him I know that it will be a long time before I am ready for such a move. Previous marriage before has taught me how badly things can go if you rush into things. I am not seeing anyone else and have no desire to cheat on my guy but I am not ready for the living together part yet. When you already have a child it isn’t fair to them to move them into a new home so quickly. The trouble is right now neither one of us is financially ready either for that kind of commitment. I love him very much and I hope he is as patient as he claims to be…. Usually its the Libra after commitment and the Aquarius trying to stall but in our case its the opposite. I don;t know how many other Libras have to face this situation where your heart is aching for your lover but you have to stay focused on reality….I think it would be a big mistake to jump into things blindly right now but I love him and hope that he doesn’t get fed up with waiting….Sometimes I think he has a big Pisces influence as he is a beautiful dreamer….Unfortunately life has knocked the romance out of this Libras head and replaced it with reality….Talk about boring LOL
A
My Aquarian man is really talking marriage, the whole conversation starts When we’re married this and when we’re married that…Problem is he has never proposed it’s just a statement here and there. I love him but I’m not ready for marriage again so quickly….It’s hard to explain how I feel when he states everything like this is the way it’s going to be. It feels good to know he is serious about us but at the same time where is the surprise of proposal? I know he’s the one and I know that we are heading for the long term but this will be my second marriage without proposal when we do. My Libra ex just sort of said casually, “We should really think about committment, everyone knows we’re getting married soon”
I wish I’d gone with my instincts and run that day and this time my instincts are telling me that my current BF is the right one…..I just long for the surprise….Is that too much to ask for? He’s not the first Aquarian to refer to me as his life partner or mate or wife….He actually called me his wife in front of his friends already…I love him and his devotion but I wish my love life had a few surprises sometimes…Oh well
I’m pretty much believing in the idea that marriage, is damn near impossible for me. Still ruined over what the damned Virgo did, and have no idea what sign might be worth it. Libra, just found out- moon in Aquarius. Don’t know my rising. Any suggestions?