Are you better off being single? (Part One: Neptune)
July 16, 2008 by Jeffrey Kishner
I have my planets of identity (Sun) and relationship (Venus) in my Seventh House — plus my chart ruler is conjunct my Descendant — so partnership to me feels like an essential nutrient. But many people prefer being alone. Is it by choice … or inability to maintain a satisfying relationship?
Some people find that their commitment to work or a creative pursuit leaves little room in their lives for the demands of relationship. An occasional fling or one-night stand, yes — but not the hard work that goes into maintenance.
If you work full time and then come home to churn out your novel or practice guitar, how can you also have the time and energy for another person? The more hours you spend with a partner, the less you have for your art or career. And what if you’re a single parent who’s hesitant to potentially destabilize your children’s lives?
Some things may be more important to you than carrying on a romance. But maybe you just suck at relationships! It’s important to know the difference, because permanent retreat from intimacy due to a disastrous love life should not be confused with “having greater priorities.”
You can’t blame the planets for your relationship life, but a look at their placements in your natal chart can indicate what’s behind the difficulty with being partnered.
In Part One of this series, I’ll focus on Neptune, and look at other planets in future posts.
Neptune, Pisces and the Twelfth House all share the theme of sacrifice. If you have this archetype prominent in your chart, you may have a tendency to give up nearly everything for your partner. You idealize them or take care of them, setting aside your own needs to put them first. You might derive pleasure from giving of yourself, but at what cost? What about your dreams, your aspirations? The danger of this pattern is that you neglect your own growth by putting all your attention on someone else.
Yes, sometimes the role of the person behind the scenes — who props up the superstar — is essential in its own right, and you are well suited for it. But other people are simply codependent or attached to the role of the martyr. If this is you, it does not necessarily mean you are better off single. However, this is a core pattern that you may not be able to overcome by yourself. There are 12-step groups for codependents, and psychotherapy can be helpful. But you are better off being alone for a while if you cannot help but fall into the same pattern again and again. If you keep attracting losers, it could be a sign that you’re sending out the wrong signals.
Some possible chart patterns to look out for:
- Neptune in hard aspect to, or conjunct, the Sun, Moon, Venus or ruler of the Seventh House
- Neptune in the Seventh House or Pisces on this house’s cusp
- Sun, Moon, Venus or ruler of the Seventh House in the Twelfth House
- Some of these key planets in Pisces
Related posts:
- A Case Study of Deception by Beth Turnage
- Pisces man wonders why love seems so hopeless for him
- Do Pisceans want what they cannot have?
Comment below: Does this pattern apply to you? If so, describe your relevant chart patterns and how they manifest in your love life (or lack thereof).
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Man, these comments nail me, I must say. I have 3 degrees Pisces on the descendant, and an intercepted house giving Neptune more rulership, plus Neptune in the 2nd squaring Venus and Moon in Cancer in the 11th. My “story” is total withdrawal from relationships from age 25 to second Saturn return two years ago. And Saturn is conjunct Pluto in my 12th lol.
How has it been being in relationship after so many years of being single?
I have Neptune in the 12th, Saturn in Pisces and the Sun, Mercury and Mars in the 7th, so I am in danger of being walked all over in relationships.
I have just finished a 12 year relationship characterised by Pluto through my first house opposing my 7th house planets and I am left with the feeling that I have dedicated myself to this person, lifted them up, and now I am left to start over again, reduced to bare minimum by Pluto. I think a time of withdrawal is in order..
and then a rebirth!
I’m a Leo with 6 planets in the 12th House, 3 of which are the Sun, Moon and Venus. These planets are also opposite my 7th House ruler, Aquarius. Additionally, my Chiron is also in Aquarius and in the 6th House. Fortunately (or not), my Neptune is in Libra, sextile to the planets in the 12th, and trine to my 7th House ruler. Or, again, maybe not so fortunately, considering that it’s Neptune.
I’ve been married and divorced twice — the last time nearly 30 years ago — and have had a few ‘minor’ relationships before, between and since then. What I’ve found, however, is that when I’m in a relationship, I DO tend to forget about me and focus solely on my partner, to the point of neglecting ME (and oftentimes, everything else!).
Pluto transits are certainly part of my pattern (I had a ‘minor’ Pluto transit in 1987, when I decided to ‘just be alone and focus on me for a change), as was the square to my 7th House ruler. But it seems that there is so much else going on in my chart.
I’ve been celibate for several years at a time in between relationships, and found that as an artist, writer, etc., I do much better when I can sublimate all that sexual energy into my art, music and writing projects during my ‘down’ times.
At 52 what I’ve determined is that — in spite of the fact that I’m a Leo who’s supposed to be ‘in love with love,’ I do much better living alone. Not necessarily BEING alone, just not in a live-in or committed relationship. That way I can do what I need to do, without feeling as though I’m taking something away from anyone.
Unfortunately, my heart yearns to be in a loving, committed relationship. After my last marriage and a few other not-so-pleasant relationships, however, I’m a bit gun-shy.
Just my…expanded…2 cents.
Thanks, Insightful Heart. I hope your heart can find fulfillment without being at the expense of your creativity.
My mom has a lot of these placements. She is REALLY not happy to be forced to be single. She settled at age 21 and now is at a loss to have nobody to be codependent on. Scary stuff.
Thanks Jeffrey, yes, I’m looking forward to the rebirth! I can see a whole new life opening up before me..
Thank you for posting this. My moon is in the 12th, a position whose meaning still kind of eludes me, but I related to a lot in this post.
In addition to the sacrifice aspect, I’ve also heard a 12th house moon will give you a tendency to experience your emotions fully in solitude or in “secret.” I definitely find this to be the case with myself… usually the full emotional impact of something doesn’t hit me until much later. You can guess how this isn’t so good for relationships
I am realing this book, Towards the New Psychology of Women, and one of the topic it covers is “Giving.”
Women are assumed to be in the “giving” and support role while the men are in the “doing” (performance). If a man were to give, he somehow questions if anything is taken away or if he is less manly. The man (in dominant culture) somehow felt that he is losing something when giving.
Women, however, when things aren’t right, they give more and more. It feels like they assumed they must give with no permission to stop.
– so that’s some weird neptune theme; it seems like “giving” is also some hidden society assumption based on gender. So perhaps some women grow up knowing/believing that giving is what it’s meant to be a women.
Jeffrey, you asked how it has been in relationship after being out of them for so long. I dunno yet! I’m just beginning a relationship with a man after searching for almost a yr. I’m terrified at times, reluctant to “get physical” even though I want to, putting up tons of barriers and problems to be surmounted, but I’m plowing ahead and he seems patient. Wish me luck.
My mother has a lot of pisces and neptune aspects in her chart, and becoming tied up in the identity of the man she’s with is a definite problem of hers as is feeling incomplete without a man. She also feels unappreciated a lot and claims to care about everyone but not get enough in return. Pisces and Neptune seem to be some real mofos when it comes to interpersonal relationships affecting the individual.
Having a major struggle lately with this one. I feel like I am too sensitive, and I attract people who are more pragmatic/analytical, etc.
I think the lesson is that I teach them sensitivity and they help me develop a tougher skin.
Unfortunately it is proving a difficult lesson.
Moon, Mars, South Node in Pisces
Moon, Mars Square Neptune
Thanks for the great articles…
xoxo
Good luck, Anon!
I am a pisces moon in leo
i belive my neptune and venus are in aries. Leo met leo the other night as I was involved witha leo with thier moon in Pisces it’s as iff we -switched signs last night . My leo or maybe this explains my neptune came out. I have a question . Do leos generally as a rule accuse others of cheating, spy and stalk then lie. I never thought this person would do this to me . LOng story short I got my tires flattened for watching movies with my home girls. I am very intuitive and it is true when they say that the leo will hardly ever have any secrets . When I asked them who they thought did it it was painted all over thier face. Im really hurt about this No trust for me but I have not given a reason not to trust. I may have played with fire a bit they were trying to rub it in my face that some bidy was flirting with them so I told them the truth about a friend who text me all the time who wants to screw. By the way that would never happen. We both have people that have crushes on us but , My whole point is ” Get the F*%^&% over it!!!!! I amm expecte to be completly passave and fit into a box for thier convienience. Well that is a role I simply won’t take. So what if I have friends . It;s like they are accusing me of being a whore when i have done nothing wrong. I let them know if we have no trust we have nothing. It’s been this way . It was a very romanti9c recipricall relationship with a lot of friendship laughter and sexual attraction, it has turned into someting really messed up and I believe it ended last night, I really felt towards the end that i didi not know where I stood. I mean I hasd this person not sure wheter or not to commit to me but then getting jealous over everyone that shook hands to the point they flattened my tires and screamed and cried at me!!!! well I say if you feel that strongly then what the hell are you doing. Sorry for going on an on but I got so pissed about this behavior. Am I with a passive agressive lion ??? Is that what happens when a leo gets thier moon in pisces. If so what does that make me ???? I highly anticipated a mate being a leo that would be able to have a tough skin when it came to social matters . Some body who would be charasmatica and mingle such as my self, Instead I in the last two weeks have had somebody who re-acts to imagined wrongs and doesn’t get a simple joke. Did I lose my Lion By roaring Back????????????? Kinda sad now……
Wow.. this article helps me feel a tiny bit vindicated, at least right now as Neptune is doing it’s business (in transit) all over my 7th house, squatting firmly (and doing it’s own special boogie) on my natal Venus.
My trouble aspect is Venus in Aquarius (in my 7th) square Neptune in Scorpio in my 4th. I have the Sun in Aries, Moon in Cancer, and Mercury.. ah beloved Mercury, retrograde, in Pisces, trine Neptune (a daydream believer).
I’ve been married twice (once to a guy who insisted on an “open marriage”), and have been romantically involved with countless troubled souls (alcoholics, stoners, recovering addicts, and other extraordinarily needy folks).
When I was a young woman and first studying astrology, I used to wonder (daydream) what my life would be like in my 40s, and what these illusory aspects would mean for me. What it turned out to be was a tendency towards falling for guys who needed me to take care of them, or me finding guys who I thought would “rescue” me, with a couple of relationships that were “fairy tale” in nature thrown in for good measure.
I definitely wonder if I would be better off alone, because the relationships I conjure up in my head have always been better than the real ones.
Excellent article.
Being single always sucks! Whether youre better off or not, it really sucks.
To LibraLady: While for the most part, I do tend to agree with you, I will say that being single IS better than being in a codependent relationship with an alcoholic, or other troubled soul, or worse in a relationship with someone who is physically or psychologically abusive.
When Neptune has hard aspects in your chart that impact relationships, it’s very difficult to see dangerous or troubled people for who they are.
In this case, I would say that being single is better than being in a relationship with a strong undercurrent of denial and darkness.