He Said, She Said: Aquarius man wants to stop having affairs
February 22, 2008 by kishner
He Said/She Said features a love advice question answered by professional astrologers Jessica Shepherd of Moonkissd and Jeffrey Kishner of Seduction Central. After they each provide their perspective, they combine their insight to offer advice they both agree on.
An Aquarius male writes,
I guess I’ll just dive in. Two broken marriages, my fault. The first lasted 16 years, the second 10. No fighting, no yelling, the first to a passionless Libra, high school sweetheart. The second to a Leo full of physical passion and deep connection–a lot more fiery. But both were very peaceful, even happy marriages until: Flirtations that became affairs… I was friendly, and then didn’t know how to say, “No, I don’t want to do this.” Too late. Sad children and wreckage everywhere. I’ve cleaned my self and the mess up as well as I can–and I’m still working on it. Buddha is a light in the dark. I love people. I don’t want to hurt anyone again. 2004, 05, and 06 were very dark years. I’m getting better. I feel some light. I want a soulmate, a lifemate. I wouldn’t live through hurting another person again. Could you give me some guidance? Is there a soulmate for me? Who, what sort of person, would be a match that would happily hold on with me through this life?
He Said:
Before achieving monogamous success, you need to learn from your past. You write that flirtations became affairs, and you didn’t know how to say “No.” I’m afraid you are absolving yourself from responsibility. After all, you are (and were) a conscious adult when you decided to be unfaithful.
So, let’s chalk it up to a problem with “impulse control.” Your planet of sexual desire and action, Mars, is in Aries, the sign that it rules. You act on your desires in an impetuous manner, not really thinking about your actions’ impact on others. It’s a wonderful placement for initiating projects and leading the march, but as in any war, you leave a mess behind. Your Mars is especially powerful because it is conjunct your Descendant, or Seventh House cusp. For you, sex is an integral part of a relationship — and if you are not “getting it” in your marriage, you may feel compelled to find an outlet for its expression. (You may also be attracted to direct, active, and impulsive women.)
Your Mars is in a stressful sesquisquare (or 135-degree angle) with Saturn in Scorpio in your 2nd House. Saturn shows where we experience fear, lack or a sense of inadequacy. With this planet placed in such a sexual sign in your House of Self-Esteem, you may feel that your “value” lies in your sexuality.
Your North Node is in Capricorn on the cusp of your Fourth House of Home. This point where the path of the Moon intersects with the ecliptic signifies your path of spiritual or karmic evolution. Your growth entails building structure and security (Capricorn) in your family life (4th House). Unfortunately, Mars makes a tight square (90-degree angle) to your North Node, suggesting that acting on your sexual desires often goes against your ultimate goal of having a stable home life.
There is no easy solution to your predicament. I would suggest using Saturn to discipline Mars rather use its insecurities to fuel Mars’ actions. Through exploring your own darkness (Scorpio), you may unearth riches — your own “natural resources” that can help you feel that you’re worth more than how you’re sexually validated.
She Said:
To read Jessica’s response to the same question, visit Moonkissd — then read They Said for their bottom line advice!
To submit your burning love question, email Jessica with “he said, she said” in the subject line, or complete Jeffrey’s form.
They Said:
There’s no easy solution here. Only you can create a standard of behavior and hold yourself to it. Start by taking full personal responsibility for your past infidelities and know you can choose differently. Make friends with self-discipline. Give yourself real supports and emergency strategies around those “heat of the moment” impulses. Learn from the past and you won’t repeat it.
Jeffrey and Jessica are available for astrology consultations. Check out their respective websites for details.
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Love this new column. What a great idea; two perspectives from the opposite sexes! You can’t go wrong.
Great concept, you two! Love both of your answers on this one (I wanted to post on Jessica’s blog but I’ve long forgotten my user name and password.)
I look forward to the next installment.
Thanks, glad you like it
Yes, this is a really fun idea! I enjoyed both takes on the story. I assume you didn’t confer at all before you each posted your response?
Leslee, we each wrote our responses in isolation, then conferred on “They Said” (well, actually, Jessica wrote ‘They Said’ after reading both of our responses).
So cool!
Jessica has the best website, with so many helpful and informative links. Thanks for introducing her to us; I’d never read her blogs before.
I love the astrology cheat sheet!
http://www.astrologyalive.com/Cheat98c.pdf
Mr.Aquarius, it’s possible to change these habits.I happen to beleive you about not being able to say no.While I agree that we do have to take reposnsibility, as Jeffrey said, I understand how it is when we find ourselves acting out an impulse almost as though we wre hynotized.
I will adress your question,at the risk of sounding fanatical or peciuliar, but I’m taking that risk as I sense something about what you’re saying and I believe i understand.
You meant that you left your marriage because you couldn’t say no to *that*,once you became embroiled wiht the flirtation, isn’t that so?
And while again, it may sound like sloughing off responsibility, i’ve been in that situation.
I couldn’t say no once I got to a certain point. It was fear, and weakness, and not at all as lazy and selfish as it might seem on the surface., alhtough my actions were selfish, it was not as simple as it seemed. Once that 2 men were counting on me and wanting me, I felt so mean and cruel to end one relationship, or even *both* that I couldn’t.
Everyone told me what to do–end one, end the other, be by yourself for awhile– but telling me that was like telling an alcoholic to stop at 2 drinks.
See– really, it was *over*- responsibility for others, and not enough for myself, as well as skewed loyalties, and very weak sense of self that got me there in the first place, and wouldn’t allow me to stop once I was embroiled in the whole nasty business.
I did what I was pushed to do maybe not at first of course–but after awhile, always.
Yes, it does create much pain, and misery for those *we love*, and pain and misery for *us*.
Yes, we can find real love, and be faithful, and committed–but not just by wanting it to change by itself.
There is something we can do about it, but it is’nt easy.
Change is necessary–essential even, and finding yet a new girlfriend will probably not change anyhting –even if she is the right one and means more to you.
What both astrologers suggested is a good idea–but I will say it more emphatically–take it from one who has been there many times –only by facing whatever amorphous tangled mass of fear and (probably) shame and anger too inside can we free ourselves to be who we really are.
When we realize that we not only can but *should* take responsibility for ourselves and that knowing the problems and facing them is not weakness but strength,and by working this all though, it’s becomes a lot less difficult to say no to the wrong person.
You’ll also know what situations are too dangerous to allow yourself to indulge in, so that if, for example, flirting always leads to more–then even flirting has to stop –you’ll do whatever it takes if you’re serious and accepting of your situation and not as someone else’s “script” you’re following.
In time there will of course be someone you can love and be yourself with, but for now, I would focus on finding real love for myself, not false or arrogant beliefs of my specialness but true self- care and belief in yourself which is what you need.
If this doesn’t resonate one bit Mr.Aquarius–please feel free to ignore it.
I took a chance to address you if you *do* relate to what I described.
And I wish you the best whatever you do.:-)