The Preconditions for a Satisfying Long-Term Sexual Relationship
January 30, 2008 by kishner
Once the honeymoon phase is over in a new relationship, how do you keep the fire burning? After the all-consuming passion at the beginning of a partnership fizzles, a routine sets in — and the rest of life reasserts itself. Work. Kids. Hobbies. Friends. Modern life has a way of sapping our energies, yet without prioritizing the sexual health of a relationship, it risks turning into a comfortable friendship — something you probably did not anticipate!
Hormones are strong when you first meet someone, but when you’ve been together for a while, your habits and “ways of being in the world” may sabotage the continuing growth of your relationship. Perhaps you’re resistant to the change necessary to cohabitate with someone. Or you keep coming up against old beliefs that you’re not lovable. These rigid patterns need to loosen up if we are to make a relationship work over the long haul.
Just as a plant needs sunlight, water and soil to grow and thrive, certain conditions need to be met to maintain a satisfying sexual relationship. Although it is a generalization to state that men are almost always ready to have sex, while a woman needs to feel comfortable or secure first, it’s true enough. After all, from an evolutionary perspective, a woman needs to feel confident that she and her baby will be protected, fed and so on.
One key to identifying the preconditions to “keep your plant growing” is to look at your Venus. What sign and house is it in? What aspects (or angles) does it make to other planets? If you’ve been with someone for five, ten, fifteen years, your Venus needs to continually feel satisfied for you to feel turned on.
If your Venus is in an Air sign (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius), then your mind is the soil that must continually be tilled. Without the sunshine of conversation and a downpour of stimulating ideas, you will feel dry and undernourished. If a partner of seven years no longer interests you intellectually, then your sexual attraction may diminish as well. Flirtatious IMs with coworkers then become a threat to the stability of your relationship, because your plant has given up on the sun and is instead growing towards a full spectrum light bulb.
(I’m not going to provide a breakdown of all twelve Venus placements here. For more on your Venus sign, read the guest post Venus in Love, Mars in Heat. CafeAstrology also covers each Venus sign.)
If your partner doesn’t tend to your garden (no, not that garden, although that certainly helps), then communicate your needs. Men can be particularly dense, so you may need to remind your guy several times. Sometimes over many years. If your flower has wilted and you live in a desert of a relationship, then consider planting yourself somewhere else.
First photo by Gaetan Lee, second by mikebaird, both under CC license.
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What a great post! Lately I have been wondering if my birth time is off because I act like venus in libra even though my chart says venus in scorpio.Or maybe the need for mental stimulation is due to my gemini moon. In either case I feel bored in my current relationship and that concerns me.What is a way to get out of that rut?Any advice?
You could start by (diplomatically) telling your partner you’re bored, or suggesting activities that interest you.
Hey, JenSagg – I feel the same way! I have a Scorpio venus but feel this need for mental stimulation VERY strongly too and – I have actually said “I am bored” a few times this month, I think it got his attention (the best it can…). I am learning that stating what I want but doing it lovingly mixed together, obviously helps (that “not so lovingly way I was doing it might have been the venus in Scorpio thing)!!
I have an air sign moon (Libra) too; maybe thats it – or maybe its because my venus is in the 7th (air) that makes me need that mental stimulation. And it IS very true -that one does become tempted to live off a darn light bulb, it really is something because we do need to be fed somehow, although communicating with fellow folks about Astrology etc… does help!!!!
I finally, actually got my boyfriend to start texting me, though!!! He has NO air signs, NO planets in air signs!!! My ex, of 11 years didn’t either – why, oh, why, do I attract that? – I have thought on this a lot and have had options to date 2 different times, someone that is extremely mentally stimulating and WONDERFUlly capable in this area – and after much thought, at least for now, I think that I actually, probably, somehow MUST attract it to a certain degree because it allows me to be the “talker”; these other interests would have made me look quite – something I am not, maybe, as interested in playing the role of??! Also, I am in school right now, this makes a BIG difference, because, although I like the mental stimulation/challenges/excitement of someone who loves this creative, wordy way, if I was with someone like that right now, dear God, how would I ever get my homework done??!!!!
Thank you jeffrey! I have done that multiple times and he either gets offended or doesnt see a way to change it. We work together so maybe we are just together too much. His parents live with us too which Im not so happy with anymore since it makes things harder with our daughter. At this point he also doesnt see a way out of that situation so I have just started to amuse myself with my own hobbies. I also am a student balancedsag! I have been in school for 10 years LOL since i go part time but I do love it. It does help and I am planning to become a teacher either at elementary level or college level.My husband has quite a few planets in air signs which is what attracted me to him I think. He has an aquarius moon and libra ascendant. He is not much into romance though and I am so I have explained this to him and he thinks we just need to give it some time so we are. We used to go on mini vacations alot more when we owned our previous business but since we have this new business we cant afford it as much so thats been a tough thing for both of us. However, Im sure getting my husband to touch a cell phone is impossible. He doesnt like cells, internet at all. hehe.
@jensagg, Maybe your boredom is really buried resentment. I wouldn’t be surprised if the nature of your relationship changed if you didn’t live with your inlaws.
I think your comment is spot on jeffrey.
I have approached this issue before (we have been living together all of us for our entire 6 year marriage) and his main concern is not wanting to go from owning our own home to living in apartments because thats the only way we could financially swing it. So I brought it up again today and introduced living in a house that has a back house but he didnt really say much so Im hoping that means he is using his virgo mind to analyze it. I really want to make it work with him so I hope he takes me seriously about it and tries to find a viable solution for both of us.
Is Venus what is needed for both men and women? Or is it Mars for men? I followed some of the links that you posted and it seemed to indicate that a man’s needs are reflected by his Mars whereas a woman’s needs are reflected by her Venus.
Your romantic attractions are reflected by your Venus. Venus is what you want to love. Even if you don’t.
Your sexual attractions are reflected by your Mars. Mars is what you want to *uck. Even if you can’t.
And that’s just the way it is.
y man who doesn’t get it and starts to stray should be tied up and hung by his toes, beaten senseless then sent back to work, nothing turns a woman on more than a man who suffers and makes lots of money, thank Venus, for giving wisdom to superhuman female types who must take control of stupid men.
Greetings to the house. Anon again, from those fair waters between Scylla and Charybdis.
I need hip-waders, slosh through all the estrogen here. I had no idea so much of this site was like the latest episode of Hand Me a Hanky. At the same time, I can’t help but recognize how better equipped–in some ways–women are at handling heartache. You have the great, good sense to talk it out. With few exceptions, the men I know bottle it up like a vintage not to be uncorked till 2012. If then.
I know there are guys who can relate to this, and not just fellow Scorps. I’ve played sports since grade school; all of them, including bike racing and martial arts–which I suppose really isn’t a sport. Add construction work and fire fighting during student summers, and you get the point. I spend a lot of time with manly men doing manly things, as a Goat girl once deadpanned.
To my lifelong gratitude, I was taught to balance this sensibility. Or, better–how to honor it by balancing it with other qualities rightfully mine. It’s a never-ending lesson.
I’ve had the great, good fortune to have a Pisces mom who put up with my god-awful temper and even puts in a word if she likes a girl I bring home, basically advising her not to take any s*** if she’s seriously after my affection. Good advice not easily followed. I’ve also had several girlfriends who endured my moodiness, occasional bloodletting, and a good deal of the brooding bulls*** that sometimes dangles from my neck like the ancient mariner’s albatross. These women were loving and patient enough to teach me how to be a better version of myself, how to hang sword and bow at the door, slip off the mask, and see that doing so not only makes me stronger, it enhances the mystery.
I even have one of them proofing this (while I cooked breakfast, thank you). I asked her if she stuck around last night only for the sex. Once the hysterical laughter died down (she’s still giggling), she said that if anyone thinks that’s why she puts up with me, they don’t spend enough time in front of a mirror, getting to know the woman behind the face du jour. There’s no substitute for self-knowledge, including true love, which likely won’t arrive first.
So I say, try this: tell the guy to grow a pair and open up. There’s a difference between toughness and strength, and he needs the latter if he wants you to continually choose his company. As in, period.
Then let him figure it out. This isn’t brain surgery. It’s building strength through vulnerability. Believe me, chances are he gets it. We’re not clueless.
Well, sometimes.
Maybe.
Depending, okay? The question is whether we’ve got the cojones to act on what you say.
Equally important, trust your gut for a change. It never ceases to amaze how many women won’t. If it feels like it’s going nowhere, you’re probably right. Just walk away, Renee. Even if it means the bed’s too big for awhile. At least you’ll have a chance to better know yourself, and what you claim in that process belongs to you. No one can take it away, and it’s shared only by choice. Which enhances the flavor, trust me.
How cool is that?
. . . Ahh, I gotta go.
JenSagg: Good luck – I hope he hears you too!! I am curious (since I date a Virgo too) when he is quiet and doesn’t really respond to whatever imortant topic you are bringing up; does he really actually use his virgo mind to analyze it- I mean, does he talk about it with you at a later time?
I sometimes think that my Virgo is analyzing something, but he never, and I mean NEVER, brings the subject up again (I think somehow uranus got ahold of him and he is too laid back about everything and could join a group for Peace and Love and become a hippy – if there was such a thing for perfectly dressed and perfectly clean and neat tennis coaches to do this) (Oh – I just had to create a laugh for myself – this last statement has brought me great humor?!!)
to –anon
That was very cool. Very very cool. Between you, Yamazaru the guy with the brilliant military strategy to outmanouver the Sun signs, and Jeffrey of course, this is a goldmine of writing talent.
Please attach your identity of choice so that you get some credit for your hard work! Compile it and send it in to a publishing company and don’t hesitate; people will devour it. I’m a fussy reader and loathe not being able to read an article through with ease . . . it has to be art in writing. My Venus in Virgo will settle for nothing less.
Your work is art in writing, and paints a picture, and this talent is rare.
I must agree with Victoria, –Anon. You’ve got the gift.
Anon-well written and well considered.
balanced sag-so far he has heard me in some ways and is more verbally afftectionate in recent days but I think only because Im taking more time alone and alone with my daughter because it makes me happy. he spends time with his best guy friend and this is our balance for now. Our synastry chart is complicated but has many good aspects as well so Im hopeful that we can work it out. If not the world wont end but I will know that we both gave it our all. honestly, our daughter deserves nothing less.
and trusting my gut is only the answer if my gut can consistently give me the same answer which has not always been the case but im sure if i build it they will come
You go, girl! The wisdom of children is so underrated as to be laughable (if not for the oft-tragic consequences).
Kids are total sponges for stress. They lack the mental filters and defense mechanisms that we use to delude ourselves into accepting a version of reality that simply doesn’t exist. They absorb what we feel but will not say or admit and it makes a difference in their health, sleep patterns, appetite, mood, and general world outlook.
They’re taught, in other words, to believe in the emotional nutritional value of living a lie.
Look around. There are exceptions, to be sure, but a great deal of the time, we live in a world of emotionally walking wounded who never learned another way.
If push comes to shove, your daughter will think all the more of you in the long run, despite any short-term pain. Showing her that you have the courage not to settle for anything else than what you feel you deserve gives her a priceless role model that she’ll never forget.
And a sense of joy that’s grounded in truth.
Be strong. Be cool. Be kind to yourself.