Ephemeral Dreamer provided an estimated birth time (click chart to view) and writes,
After a life long struggle I have nearly come to accept Life’s designated role for me: I am the dark pisces; the garbage-pail pisces.
I’ve always been idealistic no matter how many times I got hurt and growing up in a tough neighborhood, that was quite often.
As a child I ranged from cocky, outgoing to shy sometimes all in the same day.
I didn’t start to develop low self-esteem until high school, I began to notice girls weren’t as into me as I expected.
Not to say I didn’t have any girlfriends but I was a ‘late-bloomer’; I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 17.
But believe you me I’ve been horny ever since kindergarten.
Totally unrelated but I was molested by my babysitter’s teenage son when I was a kid, I thought I dealt with that as best I could.
It’s funny but in college I had beautiful girlfriends but the relationships were so stressful that they didn’t last.
I’ve put on the weight, my health has deteriorated, my outlook on life is pretty bleak, I’ve contemplated suicide, sometimes when I drive I have to pull over because I get so caught up in my emotional state. My mom passed away (cancer) in 2004 and my favorite kitty died (diabetes) last year and I still miss them. I’ve recently been diagnosed with diabetes and when I look in the mirror I just want to kill what’s looking back at me. But sometimes I do think “You know you’re not pretty, but you’re not a bad-looking (rugged-looking) chap. So what’s your problem?”
I pray and pray but I feel lost.
Fellow Pisces, you have a few challenges in your chart. Your Pisces Sun is opposed by Pluto, lord of the underworld. You say you are the “dark Pisces, the garbage pail Pisces.” Pluto is the darkness, Pluto is refuse. It is the planet symbolizing all that is submerged into the unconscious, stuffed away in hidden corners because these elements are socially unacceptable, taboo. Pluto is the realm of violent struggles for dominance, sexual taboos. Pluto can ‘kill’ whatever planet it aspects (or intensify its expression) — in your case, it has demolished your already weak Pisces ego. (Molestation also falls under Pluto’s grip.)
You are also more Piscean than a typical Pisces, which results in increased sensitivity and an experience of victimhood/martyrdom. Your Moon is in Pisces, square Neptune, the ruler of this intuitive sign. Your Sun trines Neptune, which suggests a strong imagination, as well as a desire to frequently transcend mundane reality. Your Sagittarius Mars (the action planet) is weakened by a conjunction to Neptune, which makes it hard to get up in the morning unless its for a cause greater than yourself.
Your struggles in relationship may be attributed to a conjunction between Venus (planet of love) and Saturn (planet of hardship and delay). You may feel that you are not attractive or lovable enough for a relationship. (Read Honoring Saturn and Venus for more on this combination.)
First off … don’t kill yourself. Consult a mental health professional for support. You’ve recently had a stressful Pluto transit to your natal Sun and Pluto. Pluto can bring death, both literal and psychological. It sounds like you’ve had to deal with major loss the last few years, and are going through your own personal hell.
You’re a highly Neptunian person, so I would recommend taking on a dedicated spiritual practice. But even more important right now, you need a good dose of discipline, especially since your health is at risk. Now is the perfect time, because transiting Saturn is squaring your natal Mars through summer of 2008. Your Mars in Sag needs to take up a sport, and you need to stick to a strict regimen to lose weight. Use Saturn’s transit in Virgo to focus on your health and to develop a daily routine that gives your life a sense of order.