You Cannot Make Someone Fall In Love With You

This should be obvious, but it ain’t. Not only can you not make someone love you — not even astrology can help.

I have not followed the love and dating industry very closely. I have not read The Rules. I’m not looking to meet the man of my dreams. But if I were, I’d be deluding myself that I could do more than lure him.

If man were a fish, you can bait him, you can hook him, you can even eat him, but you cannot make him love you.

You can try all matter of perfumes, alluring outfits, love potions, spells, manipulations, machinations. They won’t work. At most, you will be able to make him want you a hell of a lot.

But that’s not love.

I’m not sure if love is an emotion, a state of attachment, or a matter of will. It’s a bit of a mystery. But whatever love is, it goes beyond lust or desire or really groovin’ on someone.

With the benefit of knowing someone’s Sun sign (or even Venus or Moon sign), you may be able to shape your behavior to suit or accomodate his personal style. But if you’re being inauthentic, if you’re just playing a game to get him to like you — how can he possibly fall in love with you?

If you use astrological knowledge to subtly manipulate him to fancy you, what have you got, besides a fancying man? A fancying man may buy you fair trade chocolate or adopt you a cute little kitty cat, but that’s not love. He may have fantasies of getting in your pants or shacking up with you or even having you bear the fruit of his loins, but even that’s not love. That’s just his dreams and desires.

Maybe love is will. When the rollercoaster ride of symbiosis is over, you’re left with two adults with all-too-human flaws. And what keeps these two together after the hormones cool down is choice. You cannot make someone choose.

And even if choice is an illusion, even if there’s some solid soul-bond which is the result of planetary compatibility, you can’t make that happen. It just is.

So stop deluding yourself. Love is about surrender, not control.

And remember, it takes will to let go.

Comments

  1. Eme Kah says:

    Hmm. Such a good post. Of course I hate you now, of course. =P

    Are you sure a discreet dab of Chanel No. 5 won’t do the trick?

  2. Jeffrey Kishner says:

    Pheremones — even synthetic — won’t do the trick.

  3. Noctule says:

    Splendid post.

    I think there are vast layers of what love is, all from psychological and communicational to biological and scientific.

    I could of course start spewing all the biochemical and biological explanations, but that wouldn’t really cover love, so instead I’m gonna blab about what I regard as a state of love at the moment.

    For me, love is a high state of mutual communication and understanding to a point where you are, although quite synchronized emotionally towards each other, remain individuals with own paths and positions. It is the state of such a transcending mutual communication and understanding, that it doesn’t need superfluous words or material confirmations. It is a subjective, yet mutual attachement, that doesn’t lose the power to see objectively. I’m not too good at explaining this, but yeah. I hope someone out there gets this and agrees at least on some level.

    I think that mutual understanding and communication, as mentioned 2973 times now, is the most solid interface and gate to any kind of valueable bond.

  4. I second that post!
    Its sad that it needs to be written.. its sadder that there are people out there who believe they can make someone love them.

  5. Anonymous says:

    There is nothing more blissfull than love…ahhhhhhhhh

  6. exclusion.blue says:

    Let me guess… Someone came to Seduction Central searching for “how to make insert_sun_sign_here fall in love?”…

    Am I right?

    You, Jeff, certainly are.

  7. cappylady says:

    surrender to love, yeah one day…

  8. WalkingContradiction says:

    Dammit…you are right. Why is it so hard to remember this very basic and simple stuff when you’re right in the middle of it (love, or whatever “it” actually is)?!

  9. blahblah says:

    Depends on whether you believe “falling in love” is conscious and voluntary, or unconscious and involuntary…

  10. Noctule says:

    I definitely think there’s an important moral to it and that you can’t make anyone love you. I must confess, however, that I’m the kind of person who wants to possess/own the subject of desire regardless of whether love is present on their side or not. “At least they’re mine”-kind of thought.

  11. That is true, I have tried these tricks before, limiting a certain trait of myself or taking form of a new one in hopes to attach a romantic partner.

    However, realize that when you are doing so, you are ROBBING yourself. You miss the chance of having someone who truly cares for YOU and YOUR truths and YOUR characteristics to come into your life.

  12. proserpine says:

    This I do know! And believe it or not, I figured this out when I was very young.But, yes.I do still need reminding sometimes–because like many women (and sometimes men) I was raised to think it was myself that was lacking and at fault.
    However, whenever I find myaelf thinking I need to….so he wil (likeme love me approve, care)or, she will appreciate, value, like me…)
    I know I can only be myself, and within reason, can’t change people’s feelings about me.
    Thsi is a very relieving principle too!
    I breathe easier, knowing I can onlt be myself, and don’t have to run after someone after all.
    Oh noctule–yes, I do get it, and pretty much agree.

  13. Anonymous says:

    In my experience up till now, the feeling of “love”, or even just a wild attraction, has always been mutual. It meant the man was feeling it too, and we were going to make out and spend long nights together talking.

    Now I’m having my first experience ever of unrequited love, and I am one unhappy Leo woman. I bet that, like me, lots of Seduction Central readers aren’t so much wanting to “make” someone love them…they just feel like s/he must ALREADY love them but just be failing to express it. So we desperately turn to astrology.

    Once a guy “made” me think I was in love with him by basically spending all of his energy for literally two years trying to manipulate me, at a time I was heartbroken. It totally worked. Sure, I never “really” loved him, and I eventually moved on to a man I loved, but in the meantime, this guy got to spend hundreds of hours with me, have lots of sex with me, show me off to his friends and spend a month together in Italy. If the choices are to have NOTHIng with someone or to manipulate them into being with me for a year (meaning I get to touch them, hold them, know them well), I’ll take manipulation. It’s better than NOTHING.

    Meanwhile, in real life I’m just leaving the guy who doesn’t want me back alone. Because he doesn’t want me back. But I guess what I want to say is that unrequited love SUCKS and is heartbreaking and I don’t blame people who try to “make” someone love them, I can see how it’s better than nothing at all.

  14. proserpine says:

    Anonymous, talking about unrequited love–yes, it does hurt!
    I’m sorry it’s happening to you too.:-(
    I agree that many times we who have been “unrequited” in our feelings, often believe we can win them back, or, that he/she does love us, but somehow won’t admit it, or doesn’t know it.
    And sometimes that is true, too!
    But–we can’t force anyone to know it, or show it either–if they can’t be comefortable with it–they won’t be happy with us either.
    Sometimes, later, we find we’re so *glad* we didn’t manage to keep their affection–we’d be more miserable then we can imagine if we had.
    I’m still sorry you’re hurting.
    You’ll see it will be OK later.

  15. proserpine says:

    Well, I can admit, like anonymous said, and noctule suggested, that sometimes having the facsimile of love seems enough.
    I like being fancied, LOL.
    But, later–it can still go really wrong.
    Especially if you were wanting a ‘forever’ love you know?

  16. Anonymous says:

    “I bet that, like me, lots of Seduction Central readers aren’t so much wanting to “make” someone love them…they just feel like s/he must ALREADY love them but just be failing to express it. So we desperately turn to astrology.”

    AGREED. What of that, then? To those who are merely looking for proof, confirmation…wondering whether it is their silly little heads believing that the other feels mutual interest and is only lacking the ways to show it?

  17. Cheryll says:

    I agree that it comes down to cracking a communication code. That’s why astrology helps …it offers us a hint as to where someone might be coming from. When I love someone, I will be the first to admit I express it very strangely, so for me, it’s all about interpretation.

    Imagine something simple… like… “how to make a tuna sandwich.”

    If you ask 100 people to describe it in their own words, or even 1,000,000 people… or even every last person around the globe, I’d bet you never hear the same thing twice. There might be similarities by culture, generation, location and… maybe sun/moon signs… but, you’d have to be a dummy not to notice that even if the ingredients are the same, the technique varies incredibly.

    Imagine now, something as complex and crucial to happiness as love. (A childhood without a tuna sandwich isn’t so “tragic,” probably). Wow! So, we discuss, ponder, experiment, postulate, blog, and wind up with brilliant insights like blah’s ‘love by the signs’ (that rocked!!) to help us come one step closer to figuring out why some people seem to do similar things, and to help one another understand and grow.

    I think we think we make our OWN tuna sandwiches best …no man can ever really know exactly how you like it unless you explicitly tell him, and of course then he has to carefully listen. So he tries it some day, and even if when you explained it, you clearly stated you liked the bread ‘toasted,’ he ‘grilled’ it. Hmm… his way isn’t so bad. It’s like a nice blend of your way and his way. Now you have “our” tuna sandwich.

    And, that’s love (as I see it). Stepping forward together in harmony to completely new ground. Neither of you own it, neither of you has been there before. It is exclusively yours. He doesn’t “let you”, and you don’t “make him.” You just get there. Your way is still yours. You parents’ way is still theirs. You can spend a lifetime sampling variations.

    OK. My metaphor has gone wild. By the way, blahblah, please write me a Tuna Sandwiches by the signs, now, thank you. hahaha.

  18. Jeffrey Kishner says:

    Is tuna fish anything like crabmeat?

  19. exclusion.blue says:

    No, Jeff. And you as a Fish should know that :p

  20. Noctule says:

    A childhood devoid of tuna sandwich is tragic indeed, if you never even get to taste it or see how other people make it, how can you then attempt to make one or even desire one? Oh, the tuna sandwich dilemma. You rascal, you.

  21. blahblah says:

    Thanks, Cheryl. I’m glad you enjoyed my by-the-signs lovestyle analysis. Since you liked that one, here’s my try at carrying the torch for your vastly entertaining tuna fish sandwich metaphor (don’t you just love metaphors? They’re so fun!).

    How Each Sign Makes a Tuna Sandwich :

    Aries: Finds tuna in the cabinet, scrapes tuna onto two slices of bread, bangs jar of mayo against edge of counter to open, scoops spoonful of mayo onto tuna and bread, adds layer of lettuce, and voila!

    Taurus: Buys favorite brand of tuna, mayo, celery, eggs, etc. from grocery store, mixes tuna salad using trial and error taste-testing method, and savors each bite of sandwich slowly.

    Gemini: Samples every sandwich on the party platter (which happens to include tuna) at a friend of a friend of an acquaintance’s get-together. Gives fellow party guests a rundown of the different sandwiches.

    Cancer: Follows mother’s tuna recipe with slight variations as adapted to Cancer’s tastes at the time, cuts each sandwich according to previously stated preferences of guests. Serves on favorite plates with extra napkins for all.

    Leo: Uses premium ingredients, mixes everything but the kitchen sink into the tuna, presents tuna sandwich on boldly-colored plate OR hires a chef-to-the-stars to prepare the tuna sandwich.

    Virgo: Follows step-by-step tuna recipe from cookbook written by cordon bleu chef. Removes crusts from ever so slightly toasted bread, cuts sandwich into symmetrical shapes, and serves with ribboned toothpicks and mints on fine china with fully set table.

    Libra: Orders le’ tuna sandwiche at the grand opening of the best reviewed restaurant in town. Shares dish with dinner companion.

    Scorpio: Spends hours developing the perfect blend of tuna salad. Serves on a platter with bread on the side and closely observes others eat the tuna salad.

    Sagittarius: Buys many pre-packaged on-the-go tuna kits and loaf of bread to share.

    Capricorn: Cuts coupons, creates grocery list, comparative-shops for ingredients, bakes bread, chops and mixes tuna salad ingredients, and then hands over to hired caterer to serve.

    Aquarius: Makes tuna salad with mayo, relish, eggs, potatoes, squash, carrots, spinach, tomatoes, and….no tuna.

    Pisces: Starts to mix tuna salad, but then gets an idea to make tuna casserole using bow-tie pasta originally bought for arts&crafts project. Sets table with candles, tuna casserole dish in the middle, two forks, and one napkin.

  22. blahblah says:

    DISCLAIMER: tuna-by-the-signs is highly subjective and up for a wide variety of interpretations.

    (Gotta love metaphors!)

  23. proserpine says:

    blah-blah- :-).LOL
    I was looking at all the tuna sandwich makers, and thinking i have made sandwiches like all of them.
    But I must say, I’m most like the Scorpio–which is not technically my sign, however, I’m 29 degrees Libra, so I’m not far off.And I act like my Cap ascendant too.
    So you’re on to something, LOL.
    Let’s see–what else can we do a run down on? ;-)
    Give me a suggestion Bla–blah! :-)

  24. proserpine says:

    RE: love and sex and especially the dichotomy of love VS sex as in the Moon square Venus syndrome.
    Yes, this is very true.
    This is a reason many married men have mistresses/girlfriends and/or see prostitutes.
    While year ago a woman’s sexuality wasn’t as overtly “prized” as it is now,in todays’s world sadly, we see this dilemmma with women too!
    And as Eme and Noctule were saying–I’ve expereinced this annoying problem myelf.:-/

  25. cappy lady says:

    @ BlahBlah your by-the-signs analysis is so true. Aries–too funny-their always in a rush-I love it and I am cheap but not [bakes bread] cheap

  26. Fiametta says:

    ..I don’t like tuna!

  27. Jeffrey Kishner says:

    BlahBlah, Although I read every comment on this blog, I cannot bring myself to read Tuna by the Signs. I feel nauseous just thinking about it.

  28. blahblah says:

    @Proserpine, so are you spending a lot of time making sure every detail in courting/love/relationship is correct (yet displaying your affections simply) and then watching for responses??

    @Cappy lady, yes baking bread could be interpreted as Cappys being cheap, but that wasn’t where I was going with it. ;) And thanks. Glad you liked.

    @Jeffrey, sorry to make you nauseous. Perhaps your fellowship with your “fellow” fish is making you sympathetically nauseous. :) Since it is a metaphor for love styles, you can always substitute tunafish for crab, salmon, apples, whatever…The point is to use [insert noun/verb here] to compare the sun signs’ love styles. (It’s all figurative people, not actual tuna fish sandwich making. lol)

    Which brings me back to lovely Proserpine: how about we try…MAKING LEMONADE! or TAKING A ROAD TRIP! Your turn. :)

  29. blahblah says:

    Just thought of another possible metaphor:

    Crossing a semi-large body of water!

  30. blahblah says:

    The fun in metaphors is that the meanings are slightly buried in the figurative-ness of the wording, but for the more literal-minded…

    Since I’m a Cancer, I’ll do a literal interpretation of the Cancer tuna fish-sandwich-maker (i.e., the Cancer’s love style).

    Metaphor: “Follows mother’s tuna recipe…”

    Literal translation: Cancers are the sign of home/hearth/mother, are known to have mother complexes, and respect tradition. Therefore, they bring all of these “ingredients” to the table in a love relationship, so to speak.

    Metaphor: “with slight variations as adapted to Cancer’s tastes at the time…”

    Literal translation: While the tradition-loving Cancer may sometimes unconsciously imitate mom (predictable), the Crab could also shock a mate every now and then due to changes in mood (unpredictable).

    Metaphor: “cuts each sandwich according to previously stated preferences of guests…”

    Literal translation: Cancer is a people-pleaser sign to a certain extent, and wants to make everyone feel appreciated/valued, so will often go to extra lengths in a relationship to make sure a mate’s needs are taken care of and that preferences are remembered.

    Metaphor: Serves on favorite plates with extra napkins for all…

    Literal translation: There’s always an issue of security with Cancer. Cancer has a lot of stuff, and this sign usually holds onto its “favorites” for dear life. Cancer’s “stuff” includes posessions, feelings, relationships, etc. The security issue often manifests itself in relationships through withstanding painful & unhappy relationships long after the expiration date, arduous back-and-forth breakups, wanting to maintain ties with exes, etc.

    The tendency to always think of, and prepare for, worst-case scenarios show up in the Cancer’s love style, as well. The more a Cancer loves, the more this “negative” sign fears something terrible happening to a loved one. And that’s where the extra napkins (translation: security blankets) come in handy – for “just in case” emergencies. ;)

    Of course, since we’re talking about love, my translation of Cancer’s love style could include people with Moon or Venus in Cancer, or people who just identify with Cancerian traits (Cancer asc., for example).

    My mom is a Gemini with Venus and Mars in Cancer, and she acts like a stereotypical Cancer when in love (e.g., doting on her man like a mother, very physically affectionate). On the other hand, I have Venus and Mars in Gemini. In relationships, I tend to show my affection by verbally teasing, finding fun things for us to do, lending an ear in times of trouble, writing love poems/letters, wanting to communicate our way through relationship problems, etc.

    As for LITERALLY making tuna sandwiches, I tend to do it the Aries or Sag way even though I like to do it the Taurus way when I have the time and patience. ;)

  31. exclusion.blue says:

    As for Tuna – Taurus-Cancer-Scorp mix – that’s my way (Cancer Sun, Taurus Asc, Scorp Moon)…
    While the whole idea of what Taurus and Cancer would do applies to me, only one part of Scorp method does. Wanna guess?
    “…and closely observes others eat the tuna salad.”

    I want to know it’s good for everyone.

    Translate the metaphor to your own likings, lol.

    This is not what I wanted to say. About this falling in love thing… that happens or doesn’t happen. End of story. There’s no way of influencing on that. I don’t even think that someone could play me, making himself look and feel the way I need to fall in love. First I see through people and I do that for quite some time before even making any conclusions about their personality, let alone falling in love. Also, I don’t think I could stop my self or push my self into falling in love, and I certainly wouldn’t do that to anyone else. If it works – it works, if not, who cares :D

    (I posted a comment on Venus-Moon entry, and i realized that I always speak of falling in love as a non-willing process.)

  32. blahblah says:

    Exblue, how do YOU know when you’re in love? Is it a thought or a feeling? Do you realize it before it happens, like “uh oh, here I go falling….” or afterwards, like “wow, I just fell into some love.”

  33. exclusion.blue says:

    I hope I’ll be able to explain this :o)
    At first, it appears instant (not on first look or first date, but when I think about it after a few dates), but I know the feeling is caused by being with someone new, who maybe acts in the way I want or has some qualities I could easily fall for. Since I know that I could easily be getting carried away I never take the first excitement seriously cause I know it may wash away soon (as it did few times).

    I need time to realize, or I give myself time till I’m completely sure. Perhaps I even test myself by doing this.
    ‘Inloveness’ grows gradually and the moment when I start realizing I’m ‘baking’ is probably the one when I finally caught may self not able to stop looking at the person and smiling. Or when I keep laughing my head off while talking to the guy. When I start wanting he never leaves me…

    This is hard to explain Jara :o)

  34. blahblah says:

    I think I understand what you’re saying, exblue. The first feeling you’re describing is infatuation with a person (qualities that COULD make you fall in love), but you let time tell you whether you’ve really fallen in love, because you’re somewhat impulsive with that first feeling. Am I getting that right? I’m just wondering, because I don’t think I’ve ever been in love before, because I’ve never even had a lasting infatuation. When boredom sets in, I “fall out of love”, which….that’s probably not love, is it? Ah, love. It’s even hard to explain NOT being in love. :)

  35. exclusion.blue says:

    I wouldn’t define it as impulsiveness – just hormones, and I’m not letting hormones think and feel for me. My Sag best friend impulsively falls in love, I’m just a bit excited for exploring something, that is, someone new. It’s like climbing a mountain, only you’re not sure if there’s a beautiful view when you reach the peak. So one must be careful, and you BlahBlah would get that easily ;)

    The other thing – I don’t let time tell me, I use the time to get to know the person I’m seeing, so the facts about the person will lead me (or not) to falling in love. Now this sounds synthetic and calculated, though it isn’t, falling in love still doesn’t happen on cognitive level.

    My Cap and I started dating mid June 2003. After a month I knew it’s going to last, though I wasn’t feeling infatuated at all, but we were so good together. By August, I told my mother I’m marrying the guy and I was very much in love though I kept myself quiet about it. By September, I was sure we’re both cooking in the same pot, it was fun all the way. At some point there, my mother asked me ( I remember this like it was yesterday, we were driving over one of the bridges here) what made me fall in love. No thinking I said ‘Just the way he is who he is, all together’. She was amazed, but that’s mostly because she’s the type that falls in love over someones seducing voice for instance.

    I’m sorry you never loved BlahBlah, or was in love, it’s… I don’t have proper words to describe it… it’s probably the most fulfilling thing that can ever happen to anyone, and if you’re brave enough it transforms you to a better person. And, no, boredom is not love. It does happen though, that the first butterflies turn after a while in boredom, and we don’t fall in love.

    Why do I always cry when I talk about the greatness of love and yet I don’t find the words to describe the feeling even though it’s so strong?

  36. blahblah says:

    Maybe you can’t find the words because you’re occupied feeling the feeling of being love. :)

    Me? I’m so preoccupied with the explanation of love that I can’t feel the feeling.

    I like the visual you gave of climbing a beautiful mountain and not know what the view will be. You’re hoping the view will be worth all of the hard work, and that’s what keeps you motivated to keep up the climb. The way I’ve dealt with love in the past is that I get distracted with other stuff I could be doing other than climbing the mountain…or I start thinking, “ya know, I’m not liking this trail…”

    I hope you find someone to love as much as you loved your Cappy ex. You deserve it.

  37. blahblah says:

    Excuse the incorrect grammar. I’m sleepy and feeling too lazy to correct it. Hopefully, my meaning is clear, though.

  38. Lion Tamer says:

    To the anonymous who said:

    I bet that, like me, lots of Seduction Central readers aren’t so much wanting to “make” someone love them…they just feel like s/he must ALREADY love them but just be failing to express it.

    You must feel that everyone feels like you. You must feel like everyone already loves you. You must feel that they are just incapable of expressing their love for you. Of course, that is exactly what you just said up there.

    I feel like I’m about to puke a tuna sandwich.

    A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. There’s your link. It’s a shock to find out the sky is blue when you’re used to wearing rose-coloured glasses, eh?

    Welcome to the real world.

    Mary Mary quite contrary
    How does your garden grow?
    With silver bells and cockle shells
    And pretty maids all in a row.

  39. gimmeabreak says:

    “I bet that, like me, lots of Seduction Central readers aren’t so much wanting to “make” someone love them…they just feel like s/he must ALREADY love them but just be failing to express it.”

    If that isn’t the epitome of egotism incarnate . . .

    Typical Leo affliction, for which unfortunately, there is no remedy. Shine on, Lady, shine on. Some of us prefer the shade.

  40. Very well written article. Very nice website too. You know, many people get the impression that they can make someone fall in love with them. I believe they can manipulate someones perspective about them, but again, I don’t really believe they can make them fall in love with them…

    http://taylorsadvicecolumn.blogspot.com/2008/02/how-do-i-make-this-girl-like-me.html

    I also believe that the more you try to make someone fall in love with you the more chance you’ll have of being in the friendzone!

    http://taylorsadvicecolumn.blogspot.com/2008/02/5-ways-to-stay-out-of-friendzone.html

    Just opinions here… Hey, again very nice site… Maybe we can set up some links to one-another?

    My email is

    ttomp13@gmail.com

    Email me if you’re interested!

  41. Jeffrey Kishner says:

    Thanks for stopping by, Taylor, I’ll check your blog out.

  42. Cappy Cat says:

    WOW!!!! I’m speechless, this was an AMAZING blog Jeffrey!

  43. Christine says:

    The only thing that can make someone fall in love with you is time

  44. curious757 says:

    this is one of the best articles!

    There are so many so called “tactics” on how to get your man. Hey…this site does that too LOL
    j/k. Well it helps /aid people and learn about astrology :)
    but you’re very right, you can’t make someone love you and thank god!!!

    I love this part:

    ” So stop deluding yourself. Love is about surrender, not control.
    And remember, it takes will to let go.”

  45. curious757 says:

    **Le-Sigh**

    Just stopping in to say again how much I LOVE this article. LOL!!!

    That’s right, not even TIME can make someone love you! If it ain’t there, it ain’t there!

    (Yes in the past, i’ve been annoyed irritatedly with the many offers /seductions/wiles of being coerced into their so-called love)
    If it’s not there, it’s not there. Not even surgery can do it.

    In a good mood :)

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