What to do when your Cancer man is angry at you
July 18, 2007 by Jeffrey Kishner
An angry Cancer man is not a pretty sight. He’ll withdraw into his shell and refuse to talk to you, or just bitch and complain (whine). Passive-aggressiveness is also common for a water sign that is famous for moving sideways.
More likely than not, he’s angry because you wounded his sensitive crabmeat, or your actions elicited his fierce protectiveness towards those he loves. It is natural to feel angry when you don’t feel safe.
Therefore, the first step towards reconciliation is acknowledging that you posed a threat, and that you will do everything you can to maintain Homeland Security. (And although our current President is a Cancer, do not follow his example. Torturing others to save your relationship is off limits!)
Talk is just talk, though. The Cancer man, as a member of the cardinal signs, prefers action over words. (A warm embrace counts more than verbal reassurance.) Your overtures should reflect a sincere desire to make things right. Cancer, ruled by the Moon, is an intuitive sign, and will be able to tell if you’re just going through the motions.
Cancer’s feelings of safety are based on emotions, not logic, so a home-cooked meal may indeed do the trick, provided he can taste the love. A cup of warm milk and a nice cuddle can also melt the Crab’s defenses.
Comment below: What would you do if a Cancer man were angry at you?
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one more ps.
the thing is we were together so much that people in our circles heard about “us” in london, rome, milan…get the picture…eventhough we were just friends, we were everywhere together and many people were beginning to invite us to places as the we…he was then answering with, “we cannot go, or we will be there”….and then i went back to my husband…and then he stopped talking to me….but because we never crossed that border and because we respected each other as people and thought each other was special….the silence was so strange!!
but now it begins…the question is how to handle it? approach it?
follow up to the above….so i did sent the msg that “i was alot upset that he could not pick up the phone and dial if msgs are not getting sent”….i did not care if i sounded over the top, esp. because i have not seen him in a long time…
i decided…he either can still deal with me, the way i am, or not.
well…when i sent a btw i sent a msg to one of his friends, who is friends with like 8 of my friends because i wanted to know what was going on in his city…
my dear little cancer, immediately responded and said that he could give him a call if i wanted him to (this friend has a fiancee…so there is nothing romantic linked here).
so i tell him he is behaving like an idiot, he calls me. i tell him i am “alot upset and if and when he is not busy, hopefully i will be around” he offers to call his friend to help me out when i sent a short btw message (i just did not want him to hear about that in any misunderstanding or wrong way).
sooo confusing…just points what a kind person he is…but when i emphasized the friendship part no answer for over 1 yr ( I actually wrote a pissed off email about that too)….then when i show emotion such as this….he responds and quickly!
so confused…not sure what to do? the question is despite our extremely deep connection and all the time spent last year….he still does not know my true feelings about him being everything that i want in a man…
next steps???
In my experience dealing with a cancer I try to remember what they said they liked about me the most! A cancer remembers specific details and is known for replaying memories constantly over again making it impossible to let go of the past. Until a cancer can decide to live in the present and stop thinking the worst of situations, I suggest that you enable them to focus on reminding them of the good times. Use humor, much humor to the point of knowing they must be laughing in private to hide their smile. It is always harder to be cruel and cold to anyone who is kind, harmless and funny. Avoid discussing any past serious issues that lead to the break up or silence. Concentrate on creating a comfort zone through playful child like actions to minimize the bad and create a no harm basis playground. Ensure a warm welcome of sure acceptance where no rejection exsist. Think out of the box with your actions and use creative ideas to frequently remind them of your fun loving spirit they once enjoyed so much and easily could enjoy again at their demand. I suggest after using several consistant innocent actions through humor and excitment wait until the moon is full in the night sky and pour on the tears you hold inside and let it all hang out freely. Feel comfortable to share your true feelings of how much you miss and love them and ensure them you will wait for them to wise up and realize you honestly love them the exact way they have been in search for in their life. CRY your heart felt feelings to them WITHOUT the need for their response. On the night of that full moon give it all you got and be willing to not get the reply you want or need at that very moment. Days following the SPILL and OVERFLOW from your heart CUT all efforts to make contact until the third or fourth day following. You might have your crab closely following behind you immediately after your “Heart Open Show” but you can not risk turning around and him running back off again deeper into silence, so make it concrete before the next step of action. Make him wonder after your best performance and without him giving any reaction he lost all chances of mending your broken heart and has left you hurt. Cancers dont like to hurt anyone and especially a loved one. Cancers will be eat up with worry that they have to live knowing they hurt you and did nothing to prevent it. They feel obligated to seek closure and clerify their actions inorder to sleep without a guilty conscience! It is a little crazy to feel you must plan to coherse a cancer back into your life for them to have a chance at true love but cancers need acts of despiration to confirm their constant doubts on true love. Ultimately if you never fail to give the crab proof of your love for them the they will eventually put their claws down and melt. If you have experienced the good times of being in love with a cancer then you will know all your efforts are worth the return and reward in the end of the game of hide and seek. To sum it all up in simple form, It is much like catching a bird….. You must let their heart calm down after the hot persuit of capture and allow them to feel safe inorder to hear them chirp again. If you move foward too quickly they will fly off hitting everything in sight in search of the closest dark corner. You must whisper softly and make them constantly aware you will not hurt them by getting close again. The most important thing to remember when getting a cancer to come back or to thaw out their heart is to demonstrate honest persistance, loyalty and patience. When all others have betrayed them and left after the storm they will hear your loyal voice calling “Im here” ready to hold you like I said. Use words like always, loyal, honest, reliable, family, miss you, thinking of you, understand you, accept you, right here, waiting, care, free to choose, free to turn away, love, forever, patient, determined, sure, secure, safe, everlasting, willing and ready. Overall everyone awaits for a sign of sure love and no one could ever resist the temptation for a second chance at true love especially when endless actions of proof has been demonstrated without fail by the other.
I have a Cancer friend who I admittedly have feelings for (we’ve talked about how I feel and how he feels, he wants a toy, I want a boyfriend….) but Friday night we went out drinking with some friends. One thing lead to another and eventually I asked him to kiss me. We kissed a couple times, everything was fine and dandy. The night was amazing. HOWEVER, the next day we went out and he was totally distant. The entire night he wouldn’t even look me in the face, when he usually looks me in the eyes. He seemed really depressed so I went outside to talk to him and he opened up as usual, but he still wouldn’t look at or touch me. The night ended on a sour note (aka, him not even saying goodbye to me when he and his other friends left) and I haven’t talked to him in two days.
Should I call him and ask what’s up? I really don’t want to lose him as it was *just* a kiss….
yes i learned ll this unfortunately to late. my ex who is a leo with a leo moon cancer venus taurus mars and on the cusp of cancer man is he stubborn. we broke up but it was clear we still had the connection because he called me everyday the whole sumemr although he isseeing someone else who dint like it (crazy scorpio chick keeping us apart). then i spilled my feelings to him telling him i still loved him after two months he eventually started to tell me he still loved me too but cut him off wanting him to say it in person./ i was impatient with him expecting him to just confess his love and come running to me and begging me to be in a relationshop again before i new all this about cancers we got into a big fight and havent spoken in three months and kills me everyday. i want to call him and work things out but i dont wan tot push him. he usually comes around after a few months but i’m still worried. I’m a pisces on an aquarius cusp an aquarius moon gemini rising capricorn venus and mars. so you can clearly see we but heads. but the connection is very deep.
sorry fo rthe typos i was typing fast and my computer was malfucntioning
Oh my goodness.
I admit–this post also makes me crave crabmeat. Or even “krab”(TM) fake crab.
I wanted to say something. Even though I DO agree with some of these assertions about Cancer males, I feel weird about talking badly about them (or anyone else for that matter) on a forum.
I’ve dated a surprising number of them when you consider that I haven’t really had that many boyfriends in my life. The crazy thing is–I dated them all without having known their sign (until after the fact), one after the other. Talk about unconscious behavior.
Anyway…what I wanted to say is that although I agree with the tendencies of the Cancer male to an extent–I feel that certain interactions/certain signs, certain situations can bring this out and it’s not just a given. Bad behavior is not their birth rite. I still very much believe in free will. And honestly, as an Aries gal, I can hardly blame some men (Cancerian and otherwise) from withdrawing into their “tender crabmeat-protecting shell” from me. I think I’m a good person but I am a bit feisty, talkative and to each his own!
Still, I do wish that there was more openness. Passive-aggresiveness DOES bother me very much even though sometimes I understand it. I just keep reminding myself that everyone has different ways of operating in the world and it’s best to respect that.
Yours Truly,
Aries with lotsa Pisces who dated three Cancers in a row
so i have been talking to this Cancer guy now for like 5 months. He introduced himself on myspace. I was totally wayyyy to shy to meet this gorgeous guy who i had such a connection with. We talked on the phone and texted to each other like all day long… he told his mother about me which he says he’s gone out with girls for like months that his mother never knew about but the thing was that I was too shy to meet him. So one night i texted him and he said he couldn’t “do this” anymore and so i decided to swallow my shyness and go out and meet him. He was clearly into me and tried to kiss me but i refused being that i just met him even though he was dreamy. So a week or so goes by and I see him again. We chilled and watched a movie and just like that- total make-out session with little conversation for hours… The end of that night ended with him saying “I’m tired, don’t want to chase you anymore”. I was crushed. We had only seen each other a couple times but have been talking for so long about everything. Now, he ignores my advances to see him again but he still calls although it wasn’t like before how we would get to know details of each others lives. He says “but you blew me off for months” although I told him that I was merely shy to meet him and not rejecting him. He says maybe we’ll meet again. He sounds so passionate when he says how I rejected him. Now that i’m over being shy since I know that he did like me for me, he isn’t too willing to meet up these days. I don’t get it. How do I apologize and get him to get over it??? I’ve told him that i was sorry and that it wasn’t him.
I’m a Taurus by the way
yea Bulls***e the one thing about cancers they do not like to feel rejected. If you apologize to him and tell him you still care about him, then dissapear for three or four days; dont answer his calls or anything. he will probably come around thinking he hurt someone who cares about him. If not find another cancer or pisces and i suggest you stay away from scorpios your both way too incredibly stubborn for eachother desptie the ‘physical’ connection. also virgo and capricorn are good matches
I recently fell head over heels in love with a Cancer Man – it’s pretty much doomed to fail since it is long distance and since we both have other obligations. It is sad, this is hte thrid time he has completely withdrawn and this time, I think it may be for good. As a proud aries woman, though, I have to say htat I love him more than I ever thought I would love anyone BUT I would rather let him go than spend another minute chasing him. That’s just me, though. If he relaly loves me, maybe he will come back one day and then circumstances will be better for us. If he doesn’t really love me, well, then maybe in time, I will get over it.
hey mucha thanx…now i know how to get back on the good books of my honey
Hi,
I dated a Cancer man for 4 months. We both fell in love with eachother almost immediately and told eachother so. We get along great. Problem: we don’t have sex….actually, let me correct that…we had sex once, 6 weeks into our relationship. It lasted for about 10 minutes. (we’re both very attractive people). My Cancer guy never takes the initiative. We’ll grope eachother but nothing ever follows. I’ve tried to talk to him about it and to let him know how its making me feel….which is not good. I feel ugly, unattractive and undesirable. His comment is always the same, “I’m just waiting for you to give me the green light.” Damn! With him I’m a perpetual green light. Anyway, we broke up recently because in my frustration, I exploded and lashed out at him. He refuses to speak to me in any way, phone, email, text. I love him so much and can’t help but feel that I’m the one who blew the relationship, even though he’s the one who did by not opening up to me about the no sex thing.
Will he ever forgive me? Will he ever come back to me? Why wouldn’t a good looking man not want to sleep withi his beautiful girlfriend? It’s something I’ll never understand….and sex isn’t everything I know, but come on??!!! 4 months and no sex! I read somewhere that Cancer men become impotent when they want out of a relationship. I don’t believe my Cancer guy wanted out of our relationship. It was going great until I pushed the sex thing. Now I’ve lost him forever. Will he ever forgive me and will he ever come back.
Sad as this sounds, I’d rather have him without sex than have sex without HIM.
Thank you.
A Cancer man came after me and after a cautious start, feeling out to see if he really cared about me, I let myself fall in love. He said it first and he would call all the time and we would see each other nearly everyday. Go on trips. He said we were a great couple and that he truly loved me. So I was happy. We always got along and the sex was great. I’m pretty psychic and then one day I realized something was off and I “saw” a vision of him in bed with another woman. I was devastated and broke it off. Truly crushed, Couldn’t eat. He knew I knew but we didn’t talk about it for a couple of months. I was in shock and had never had to deal with infidelity before. I thought it was because he was not long out of his long marriage and was rebounding all over the place and just needed to get it out of his system and wasn’t really that experienced as he had gotten married young, so I didn’t sleep with him, but he kept calling and we’d see each other and do things as friends. Then he was proclaiming his love again and we talked a bit about the incident and got back together. Then 2 months later he did the same thing.. that was the end for me. But he’d still email me and very once in awhile show up. He could tell he was trying to decide between me and another woman. I didn’t really encourage him. I figured he should be man enough to know who he really loved.
I was never jealous of any of these woman because I knew he loved me. But I can’t trust him.
Then he moved in with a woman. He still sends me cards and every once in while sending emotional notes saying I really matter to him, but he’s stuck now. Someone else napped him.
Then he and this woman moved into a house a half a block from my office! She doesn’t know anything about me. Then he’s sending notes and I’m seeing him on the street. I decided to move my office. He suggested that during the summer I could stop by and talk to him on the porch. I told him I was moving my office and “stopping by” was a stupid idea because everybody can see we love each other and his woman would see it and it would just turn into a mess. Of course I think about him all the time and I know he follows every word on facebook, etc. But I’m giving him the cold Aires cut off even though my heart is breaking.
o leave cancer male wit his maaa!!!!!!!!!!! dey r suckers,trust me. go 4 leo or virgo guy. cancer male is a drain on ur emotions, time n money
dey blame d world around n d gal whode involvd wit dm n try 2 look fragile. dey r full of pretence.liars. dey shud b registered wit guiness book of world record 4 all tat pain dey take in fooling gals wit their drama!!!!!!!!!
still if u wana gv dm second or third chance, never chase dm. tats d best policy. dont go OTT 2 get in touch wit cancer male. tat will do d trick….. but i swear, i wont even take d pain 2 play games!!!!!!!! m much better off wit-out tat rascal in my life. i suffered a lot due to him
i’m a cancer, and i’m totally in love wtih a scorpio man, but right now we’re in sm sort of problems
i’m so in love with him, and i need him back in my life, no matter how much he hurt me now (since he’s mad at me for talkin to another guy), i just feel like i can have him back anytime if he come talk to me simply and want to get back together again
but right now he is so pissed off, i dunno how to get him back, he don’t want to talk to me, don’t even want to look at me, GEEZZ!! so annoying, but then he’s just so cute when he seem depress everytime he know i’m around him, and so cute everytime he know i’m around and so he always tryin to look at me without letting me know but failed…. i miss him so… lol i’m i in a wrong topic here?
help me!
I havent even started going out with this Cancerian man and he’s now angry with me already!
The story goes.. last night I was asking him out on the phone if he want to watch movie together with me and he said ok. He sounded so friendly and nice.
But today when I asked him out, I told him that our classmates (I’m in the same class as him) and my friends are going as well. He suddenly ignored me halfway through the MSN.
When my classmate msned him asking him if he’s tagging along, he was pissed off and didnt even give a definite answer.
The reason why I asked my friends along is because I didn’t want to him to know that I have affection for him. Furthermore, he is even more shy than me and I didn’t want to make things awkward for him and take things slowly.
Now he was obviously pissed off and didn’t even bother to pick up my calls. Did he feel offended in anyway? Sometimes I find it very hard to understand him.
HELP~~~
This is for Bulls***e. I am a Taurus as well. My advice to you, date aonther earth sign. A Water sign will never understand an Earth signs’ sense of ‘logic.’ If you are shy, he sould be patient and understand this. Do not try to figure him out, since he is not trying to understand your point of view. He needs to find a ‘mother’ substitute who can give him constant attention and indulge in his sobs and sulkings. may I suggest a Capricorn or Virgo??????
This is for Bulls***e. I am a Taurus as well. My advice to you, date aonther earth sign. A Water sign will never understand an Earth signs’ sense of ‘logic.’ If you are shy, he should be patient and understand this. Do not try to figure him out, since he is not trying to understand your point of view. He needs to find a ‘mother’ substitute who can give him constant attention and indulge in his sobs and sulkings. May I suggest a Capricorn or Virgo??????
I’m a Libra woman who allowed a Cancer man sweep me off my feet. I did the research on his sign and despite everything saying that our union would be temporary, I went along for the ride after him briefly chasing me. It was automatic chemistry – we talked and texted two weeks before ever meeting in person. We put a label on our relationship at midnight on the Spring equinox, and moving so quickly for a Libra is not normal. I’m guessing that this relates to the “mold-able” side of me. After all, I was along for the “ride”, as he put it.
We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I’m never the one for PDA for fear of who would be watching – it’s not like me to put myself out there with someone, especially so quickly after we’ve met. He’d pay for everything. We’d see each other daily. We’ve even made out for 9 hours straight, minus the driving time that it took us to get from one location to another.
What attracted him to me was my strength and independence. What attracted me to him was his resilience and wisdom he acquired through tough life lessons. He was very supportive, just as long as my strength didn’t waiver, which is strange because he admitted to never dating anyone of my race because they’d just never clicked, but I was somehow “different”. I’d write him letters once a week, letting him know how I felt about him… Text him every morning and evening with beginning and final thoughts, as well as throughout the day, and he’d do the same. Even when he tapered off in doing so, I kept doing what I did to make sure he knew that I was still there. I was very aware of his sensitivity and therefore tried my best to keep it in check.
Things started to turn around in the ladder part of 30 days into our relationship, and I learned quickly how sensitive he was. He became somewhat cold and hard-to-read towards me and I took it personal, approaching him with it somewhat combatively – it’s rare for Libras to do this, so you’ve got to be wondering what type of emotional fix he had on me. After doing this (and apologizing afterwards in fear that I hurt him by telling him that the way he felt about our argument wasn’t as big of a deal as he made it to be – big mistake), I made it clear that my intentions were just in trying to get him to open up to me – that I was there, regardless of what he was going through. This offended him and we broke up, but within 3 days, we were together again – this time, without labels. I was able to cope with that.
We’ve broken up 2 more times since then (generally on weekends), with the final being quite devastating – no one should continue a relationship after what we’d gone through, but his Cancerean need to “patch things up” led him to text me in an apologetic manner, yet knowing that he’d really messed things up to the point of no return, he still spun it as if to make it seem that he had done a good thing. To him, I was getting too close, and he is the stubborn type that when hurt, he’ll do just about anything to protect himself from feeling that pain again, to include pushing away the best thing that’s ever happened to him.
Yet I feel the need to have him in my life. Still. I think of him daily – miss him as if he owned a part of me, which is because when Libras fall, we fall all the way, and it’s hard for us to get back up after such commitment and sacrifice has been made. In this case, A LOT of sacrifice and commitment was put into this relationship.
So, here I find myself in the wee hours of the morning, trying to find ways to get him back, if just only as my friend. Oddly, I miss the hell out of him…
DARN CANCERS…
As a fellow cancer I can say to just give him some space. It is a known fact that most cancers will almost always try to get in contact with an ex, so long as a considerable amount of time has passed. Not because we harbor feelings mind you, but for the simple fact that we have a hard time letting people go. Hell, I got in contact with a guy (an aquarius) after he cheated on me after about a year we broke up. Now I was the one that burned everything he gave me, deleted him from my phone and myspace and yada yada…
So really it’s not impossible to get a cancer back, TRUST ME, you just have to stay away long enough to make him miss you. Give him some space and after a while send him a message saying “hey”, or add him on facebook or something. Tell him how much you need him, not so much of how good you were for him. We like to be needed! Also, you should apologize for hurting him but don’t expect him to return it. When confronted with someone who hurt us we don’t know how to respond except with blocking them away from us.
Point blank, it’s gonna take some time and quiet persistence. The worst thing you could do is to get in his face too soon and too aggressively.
Here’s something to make you feel better: even though he may say he’s through, you’re still on his mind. When time passes remind him of all the good times you had and tell him what happened between you was in the past. He’s gonna bring it up so be prepared for a talk, but I have a feeling it’s going to work out just don’t give up hope
I am a Tarus woman and I love a Cancer man. We have been together for nearly 10 years now, and we still have our spats. When he is being “emotionally abusive” which is alot of the time, I just want to run away. I cant handle it sometimes, he of coarse doesnt understand it, that I dont want to stick around for the emotional turmoil and emotional blackmail that Cancer men like to inflict.Dont get me wrong; I love him with all my heart, and always will my whole life. You Cancers can dish it out, but you cant take it. You refuse to pick up the phone after having a little spat. You let that go on and on and then, when “YOU’RE READY” you will get in touch with us after maybe months or a year. Then expect us to just drop everything cause you are ready to speak to us now? Give me a break. My brother was soooo very much in love with a Cancer woman. She was my best friend. They were together 8 years. He gave her everything. Helped her raise her kids, they loved him like a father. Then due to Cancers “changeable nature” she leaves him, without warning, for another man. 1 1/2 years goes by. She shows up on his doorstep. The thing is, he’s now engaged to someone else, and she just CANT BELIEVE that he wont dump his fiance’ to go back to her! My point is. If you are sensitive, and dont like change, stay away from a Cancer.
This is for Ellie,
I have a Cancer boyfriend, and he and I have been together almost 10 years. I loved him so very much, I still do. The sex between us was AMAZING!!! I had NEVER experienced anything like it in my whole lifetime. Within the last year, I noticed our sex life was not what it used to be, rather that we were not having sex NOWHERE NEAR what we used to, and now, our sexlife is non-existant. It hurts me very much. I have even cried many times over it. When I ask him why, he just says that he doesnt know. So, I know what you are going through. I wish I new what was wrong but, I do not. All I know is, that now I have a deep resentment towards him, that is growing. If these men do not love us or want us anymore, I think they owe it to us to tell us so, instead of playing this cruel game. Sex is not THE most important thing in a realationship true enough, but, it IS important none the less. Maybe we should both move on.
I recently befriended a Cancer Man like 2 weeks ago. I am a cancer as well and (my ex boyfriend was a cancer too).UGH..I was very attracted to him when i first saw him an i always would wait for him to talk to me but he never did so I made the first move an talked to him we totally hit it off!! He started texting me an calling here an there not too heavy but it wuz enough for me. He asked me out on a date (I was soo excited becuz i havent dated anyone in a long time since my ex broke up wit me.We ended up havin sex the first night during our date( we stayed in his house watched a movie an cuddled)I was soo HaPPY he made me feel so good.Things continued to go great the whole week, every day he would ask if i were coming ova to spend da nite so finally thursday nite i stayed wit him. I went to work from his place friday afternoon. We were texting each other for a while when i got to work that day but then i didnt hear from him for the rest of the night…This is where i really messed up. I texted him like 2 times that night an got no response,I also called him when i got home from work an still no response, I texted him one more time saying tht i wuz mad at him. So the nex morning he texted me, i responded rather harshly.Basically I accused him of being with someone else when i had no right to becuz we arent yet official.I acted really childish,giving him attitude that jus wasnt necessary, and the sad part is that i wasnt really 100% serious about the accusation i jus wanted to see how he would react, i wanted to see if he would cater to my ego by telling me he wasnt wit anotha gurl an that i have nuthin to worry about..BOY was i wrong, he took it the complete oppostite. ever since that happened he doesnt call or text me anymore.i have to text him first becuz he wont text me at all and whenever i do text him he gives me one word answers most of the time. its drivin me crazy an i feel horrible that i scared him away so soon.. i really really liked him, he is such a good man. great job,house,no kids, takes very good care of himself, great body.it seems like for someone whos such a good catch he is real lonely, so i dont understand why he doesnt wana even be friends wit me anymore. i have apologized an tried explaining myself an everything but it doesnt seem to be making a difference. he wont talk to me over the phone so i have no clue whats goin thru his mind, how he feels about me at this point or anything. Is there a way to get him to like me again?? Do i still hav a chance?
My Dad was a Cancer, my son is a Cancer. If you say your sorry and give them love, a great big hug, they appreciate it
A Cancer man is sweet, making them angry makes you feel guilty, at his worse this guy is one of the best men in the world 
They are kind and would give the shirt off their back to whoever needs it. a Cancer man is used a lot, which is sad. They deserve a lot of love 
When they bark its cute, they never mean it for very long unless its over something horrible…My father used to cry after he punished us LOL
I just want to say really quickly – the comments by Phaedra High and CrazyCancer are really helpful. I’m pretty much in the same situation as P.H. and their story convinces me that Libras and Cancers, despite what has been said, will have passionate, yet extremely challenging relationships. Maybe they can work. Here’s to hoping.
Thanks for the advice.
I need help sooo badly. My cancer man and I broke up last wednesday. We’ve been through soooo much in our short 6 month relationship (well, would’ve been six months on Oct 12th). Anyway, i was having a lot of family issues and i moved in with him for the summer. We took this major step because I was going to come back up to school in September anyway and he really just wanted to get me away from all the problems.
While we were in his home….we fought a lot as a result of me missing my parents (the main problem was my brother)…he was hurt that my parents never apologized to either of us for their lack of support.
One evening, we decided to go to a classy dinner followed by salsa lessons in order to get our minds off of our problems. FYI: i used to be a pretty good salsa dancer (i used to teach salsa classes etc). So for the lessons at the place were not catered for me but I did them with my bf anyway because i loved that he had interest in learning. While we were there he just fooled around and would not take the lessons seriously. When the lessons ended he didn’t pull me to dance on the dance floor, so we danced near the tables a bit, by this point he let me teach him a few things but he was still a bit resistant. After one song we just kind of stood there with his friends watching people dance. The teacher was going around the room saying hello to everyone and thanking them for coming. When he approached us I mentioned that I was a salsa dancer and that I learned to dance in NY. Well the man just said “OH! you need to dance with so and so” and he literally grabbed me and led me to this other guy. I told the guy I was with my bf and i pointed at my bf and he wasn’t even looking at us, so , we headed to the dance floor.
That’s when my bf lost it. He came and grabbed me and said we were going home.
Now, I understand I shouldn’t have let that man grab me in the first place….but I’ve been trying to apologize since the incident all to no avail. My cancer man still holds grudges. So much so that last weekend he had a show at the college where he graduated from (he’s a poet) and he actually kissed another girl!
Of course I was upset and confronted him about it. He was upset that I checked his facebook which he had given me the password to months ago. so anyway, he told me that he had been holding all these grudges all this time and that it’s not good for him and that he hates what he’s turning into and that it goes against his principals. so i told him to do what he needs to do but i wasn’t going to do the dirty work for him. so we broke up. the next day he e-mailed me a couple of times and texted me because he wanted to make sure i was ok.
we ended up talking thursday evening and everything was going well through Friday. we had really great open conversations and were finally being honest with each other until yesterday when he found out somehow that I had reached out to his friend for advice on wednesday night.
Before i confronted him about cheating on wednesday night in a state of panic i reached out to his friend who knew about the whole situation and was with him last weekend when he cheated. his friend gave me advice and when i mentioned that he cheated his friend just said that he couldn’t advise me further. i actually was very embarrassed when i realized i had dragged his friend into the situation and i apologized to his friend saying it was out of line for me to contact him.
but apparantly the apology wasn’t enough because his friend told him i came to him. Now my bf is so mad at me he never wants to see me again. he says he hopes i’ve learned my lesson and that i need to walk away and go burden someone else.
So…..does anyone think this can still be salvaged? I love him dearly and don’t mean to hurt him and it seems that when he’s hurt and i try to reach out to him he resents me for it but if i don’t reach out to him then he thinks i’m insensitive. What has thrown him over the edge is that yesterday i tried reaching out to him and he would not respond and i called him 2 or 3 times, i texted him, i e-mailed him and all to no avail. He ultimately said that he needed space and i wasn’t giving it to him.
but how am i supposed to know when to leave him alone and when to tend to his sensitive crab meat?
This is for Johanna, ive been with a Cancer man for 10 years, and I can tell you this,it doesnt take much at ALL to upset them. Its very hard because you usually have to play the guessing game when you HAVE upset them, cause they arent really good at telling you why they are mad at you. They will not answer the phone, the door, or your e-mails, until THEY are ready to talk to you. Which I think is a bit childish as well as unfair. They expect you to wait until they are ready to speak to you, but, what right do they have to make you wait like that? All because their feelings are hurt? Anyone will tell you that the most important thing in a relationship is “COMMUNICATION” By denying you that, they are risking the relationship itself. But, if you find another man, I guarentee you that he will come around then. Its really a shame it has to go that far. But like I said, he has no right to make you wait like that.
juliegehr
You are absolutely right
thanks for the comments….
what’s funny is that he sent me an e-mail telling me to leave him alone that i haven’t learned that he needs space and for that i will have to pay. that he doesn’t love me anymore and all this angry jargon. So i reply saying thanks for planning to mail my things and that i’ll leave him alone and that i’m sorry things had to end the way they did but i still love him and that i hope that during his “soul searching” that he’s embarking that he will realize that what makes a relationship is comassion, stepping in each other’s shoes and understanding each other’s pain, jumping through hurdles TOGETHER, etc.
Let’s just say…he replied like 5 times one after the other. A lot of anger in his e-mails….and then he says “you’ve fought for me for maybe a week and now you give up? you see, you’re not willing to fight for this”
and i was literally shocked. so i replied letting him know that i was at a catch 22…if i call and ask and e-mail and text him he says i’m not giving him space and then when i agree to give him space now he says i don’t care about him and i’m not willing to fight for him.
he makes no sense. he had a poetry show last night and i texted him saying that i hoped he had a good show and this mroning he replied “Thanks”. well at least he replied.
we’ll see what happens.
update: since i last wrote i haven’t been in contact with my Cancer man (2 days). This morning I woke up to check my Facebook and I noticed he sent me a message. He wrote that he saw on my facebook that i had been running 4.5miles a day (i used to never run…i started running 2 miles every 2 days and since the breakup i’ve started running 4.5 every 2 days…but i guess he misread). Anyway, he said i should be careful because just last week he ran 10 miles because he was excited that he had been losing weight and he tore his miniscus. He told me to take it easy.
I sensed in his e-mail a genuine care about my well-being and also I know he felt the need to talk to me about his knee because we’re both into alternative medicine and the doctors wanted to give him cortizone shots and/or surgery and he’s opted out of it in order to heal the knee naturally. I think he felt the need to talk to me about it because most of his friends don’t understand his current diet (Gerson Therapy for healing) and though I didn’t go on the diet with him (i had to come back to school) I did support him on it while I was living with him.
I have a feeling that he’s feeling alone and he’s very stressed and I want to be there for him, but I know he needs his space as well.
I wrote him a message back saying thanks for his concerns and I put his mind at ease about my running. I also tried to show my support for his deciding to heal his knee naturally.
I just really hope that he doesn’t truly believe that everything is over with us. I know I’m the woman for him and he certainly is the man for me. We just both have to learn to be a bit more sensitive with each other.