You can see how this situation can be fraught emotionally but it can also be a very rich source for therapy: with transference/countertransference, the therapist is getting a first-hand experience of how the patient handles some of the very trauma that has brought him there. This can be enlightening in therapy in a different way than just hearing the patient’s take on how others in his life react to him. Obviously, there are dangers involved when transference develops but I disagree with you that my former therapist should’ve stepped away when she developed feelings for me. Therapists are people and thus they will develop a whole slew of emotions for their patients, although they won’t always fall for them. The feelings themselves are not good or bad and I think it’s important to emphasize that bc our culture often places a lot of negativity on having certain emotions which leads to people repressing those emotions and that repression itself leads to psychic pain. What was problematic and traumatic about her falling for me was that she replicated the original scenario that lead me into therapy: that of caretaker putting her needs before mine and calling it love. I don’t know if I’m conveying what I mean. Her responsibility as a therapist was not to NOT fall for someone–how can any human being have control over falling for someone? Her responsibility was to find detachment within that space and using those very same feelings of attachment to illuminate her patient’s problems. Notice that my positive experience with therapists was also about transference; in that case, my therapist could provide incredibly rich perspective about my role in my trauma AND he provided healing by respecting my vulnerability, by acting with utmost professionaliss. We achieved this by strict adherence to the therapeutic frame, in other words: our only contact was as therapist/patient–it did not extend outside of his office; nor were any boundaries broken about physical touch or about revealing his own needs inappropriately, etc. I use “we” bc I also behaved responsibly by respecting the frame, after all, I could’ve been seductive or calling him or what have you.

Transference is a very controversial subject, btw. And there are great dangers for sure. But I found it extremely healing. Just bc I feel something doesn’t make me or another person bad and, by the same token, I can tolerate the feeling without necessarily acting on it. Anyway, I don’t know if I’m conveying what I’m trying to say but I did want to at least attempt to clarify these points.

And there’s such a negative feeling about getting therapy in my culture (even though so many of us are like the walking dead or functionally wounded). It’s seen as something “crazy” people need. To get therapy means admitting your crazy. So we self-medicate…which leads to bigger problems…which leads to more self-medication…and jail, death, or mental/physical illness. And medical doctors LOVE that.

It’s important for healers/therapists/psychiatrists/etc. to have the right motivations for helping people. I’ve taken quite a few psych. classes and many of my fellow students stated that their interest in psychology comes from wanting to figure out their own issues, which really isn’t putting their clients’ needs at the top of the list.

Finding the right therapist is an interviewing process in a way. Degrees and other technical skills are just one part of it, but there has to be a good personality/style fit between therapist and client, as well. From your first story, it sounds like your therapist really ignored ethical guidelines and lost sight of being objective with you. She should’ve distanced herself from being your therapist once she started having feelings for you. Then again, she would have to be conscious of those feelings, and be willing to put your needs as a client above her own…

When I was 10, my mom took me to a therapist to help me deal with my anger issues towards her about my parents’ divorce. Since the therapist was company-provided (translation: FREE), we didn’t have the luxury of finding one that we approved of, and it showed. Her “advice” reflected her lack of understanding our cultural differences, and we both dismissed her advice as nonsense. I didn’t lose faith in the therapy process, however. I just think it’s very important to find the right fit. Trusting someone with your mental/emotional health is a big thing, and choosing the right therapist should be just as painstaking a process as finding the right doctor to take care of your physical health.

Finally at 15 I asked to be emancipated. The judge wanted me to see a therapist first. My folks went in and talked to the therapist first, then came me. I figured this guy was just like all the others. But no! He actually talked to me like a human being! After I got done talking he said, “I agree with you about everything. Now what? What is your next plan? How are you going to achieve your goals? How are you going to change yourself so you dont fall into the same patterns your parents did?”

WOW. For me, that was amazing and wonderful. Someone who really listened and didnt believe my parents (they had a knack for blowing things out of porportion and putting the weight on me of the family) and wanted me to think of solutions. I stuck with that guy until I was 18. And got my emancipation.

I have seen other healers since then and have had mostly positive reviews. I havent ever had a really negative experience.

Unless of course you are talking about doctors, then that is a whole ‘nother case. Gah. I wont go into that except to say, I dont believe medical doctors are taught to heal but rather treat the symptom. We americans havent demanded better treatment from them.

Now, we did not ever have any relationship outside of the patient/therapy one nor did we ever discuss this occurrence of transference. In the end, it made me feel suspicious of therapy for many years bc I thought that ultimately the therapist would be more concerned about his/her needs than mine as a patient. She was very young, though, and probably inexperienced about transference.

The other negative experience I’ve had is just mediocre therapists. I think therapy is a very mysterious process, in a way. It’s not just talking. It’s not just mental. It’s also not just cathartic, although it can be. The therapist shouldn’t be there to give you advice. I think therapy is very much like being a shaman, in that the therapist has to guide you but you must face the pain and fears yourself. You know, those hero myths in which the hero gets some guidance from a wise person but ultimately the hero has to go through the trial by fire on his own? That kind of thing, although that too is an imperfect metaphor.

My positive experience of therapy is also about transference but within the proper boundaries of the patient/client relationship. The bad transference experience replicated my childhood experience of love being about the person with more power (the older one, and in this case, the therapist) ultimately ignoring my needs for hers (in my case, my mother/my grandmother/my father). Love was about possession and control, not about protection or consideration. In my positive transference experience, my therapist would never violate the patient/doctor protocol bc he was aware of my vulnerabilities and was not about to abuse his power over me. And vice versa. The frame was studiously respected. There was not to be any untoward contact. What mattered was the therapy and my healing. This greatly changed my idea of trust in love; namely, that when someone loves me, s/he will not try to control me or act inappropriately toward me bc of his/her need. That there is such a thing as sublimating one’s desires or wants in order to protect one’s vulnerabilities, etc. Oh, and that love doesn’t have to be sexual or even physical in order to heal. I think this is important as well.